Tag: Bipolar Hallucinations

Bipolar Diary: Why Me, Weird?

For three days, I had slight hallucinations (scent and visual), but yesterday, they came back with a vengeance. 

Three frogs, each the size of my hand, bound across my wall by my pictures, across from where I sit. There is no way for a frog to get in here except under the door and I have that sealed because we have new kittens who can crawl under there. And if it was one, I could excuse my mind, but three? Hopping on the wall like they were a dance troupe? That I can’t ignore.

Then there is the clock. Again. Bright and glowing in its 3D fashion like it was in my delicious hypomania days.

Where Am I?

I can’t pinpoint where I am with my Bipolar Disorder (1). I usually can gauge it easily, like reading the time on a watch, being able to see the way the hands move and in what direction.

I am a bit lost right now. I thought the hypomania was gone and felt sad, but not depressed. Now I am awake, yet not terribly productive. At least for the moment.

I am just getting over a hefty bout of pyelonephritis (kidney infection) as well as a cold. Could that be why I am having a hard time organizing my mental thoughts about what is… and is not… happening?

Psych Appointment Soon

I have my psych appointment soon, so that’s good. Not that they can tell me anything I don’t already know, but it’s good to be validated.

“No, I do not need to go into the hospital.” (Really, really, I do not. They just always ask, so thought I would answer it here.)

I can’t go to the hospital, I have things to do.

“Fragile”

It’s tough when my sanity is precarious.

I’m hanging on until I see the psych next week. I am not in a place of needing hospitalization or calling for help, not that way. I have only been hospitalized once, but not for trying to hurt myself, but close to it.

I went back to read what I wrote when I had the Manic Depression and wrote about it in this blog. If you’re interested, Search: Bipolar Diary and all the posts will come up. I wrote some good shit about what was going on. The published dates are 2018, but the Mania was in 2016. Blessedly, I wrote dates and times on the posts. I must have re-posted for some reason along the way. Who knows why.

The Breathing Pillow (part of “Bipolar Diary: Zero-Gravity Hallucinations“)

Breathe

I wrote:

“A crazy hallucination I had the other day was seeing my pillow breathing. Yes, I know… ridiculous, but I stared at it as it inhaled and exhaled for the entire 5-minutes I watched. I blinked, shook my head, told myself there was no way in hell that was real, yet the pillow kept inflating and deflating, slowly, as if it was breathing. I glance over a lot to see if it’s going for a repeat performance. Nothing so far.”

I also wrote:

“I have the usual roaches and now some flying bats, but those are pretty yawn-inspiring since they’ve been around so long now. It’s the floating toilet paper roll, the pens, my Blistex lip balm… things that are here in my room, in my real life, just appearing, mid-air… there… and then fleetingly gone again. My food shifts next to me. I “see” music coming out of the speaker. The movements around the room are near-constant. (The book next to me is shuffling the pages as I write this.)”

My ants don’t look so bad anymore.

Relaxing the Worries of Today

I am nowhere near what I was back then.

Meditation

I am going to put Sting’s Symphonicities Tour video on and sit back and listen to him sing to me.

Earlier today, I was feeling fragile (hence the title), but now I am feeling less so.

I am going to make it.