Queen – Navelgazing Writer

That Practice Makes Perfect Thing

When people start writing, it is common to think, “I can’t be a writer. I am not nearly as good as Stephen King/Ernest Hemingway/Toni Morrison/Fill-in-the-Blank, so why should I even try?”

Watching “How to Be a Writer” videos or reading/listening to those types of books, the common refrain is, “Practice Makes Perfect.” Of course, we all know this. I remind myself of this often.

Queen – Live at the Rainbow ’74

So as I was chilling after a long day’s physical work in my room, I turned on a Queen concert I had not seen in its entirety – their Live at the Rainbow in 1974.

Queen was fully formed in 1971 with the addition of John Deacon on bass, added to Brian May (guitar and vocals), Roger Taylor (percussion and vocals), and Freddie Mercury (vocals and piano). So, this concert, the Queen II Tour, was a mere 3 years into their formation and it was their first tour.

And it shows.

Watching it, I smiled at the (for lack of a better word) immaturity of their stage presence, their cohesiveness, and even the way the songs sounded. Each song in their set sounded similar compared to the massive diversity of later albums. They were also decidedly slower compared to later years. “Seven Seas of Rhye,” was especially slow compared to future concerts. (“Stone Cold Crazy” definitely picked up the speed of that show.)

By the time I saw Queen on November 4, 1978 during their Jazz Tour, they were an amazingly gifted band whose show was incredible. In those four short years of practice… in the studio and on tour… they had become monstrously great.

Moving forward even more, by the time they were at Live Aid in 1985, they stole the show from dozens of seasoned bands and singers. That was only eleven years after The Rainbow show.

Progression

Looking at the speed of their progression, I think about my own writing. Has my writing advanced in the last eleven years? Have I practiced enough? Do I practice enough?

No.

I am buoyed by having watched Live at the Rainbow ’74. I see what a great deal of desire and practice can do for an artist. I want to be an artist. In order to do that, I need to get my ass writing again. I’ve not written since October 1, 2022… the day after NaNoWriMo ended… and I’ve sporadically done a couple of edits on the book that needs to come out.

Side Note: Editing is HARD!

Forward Movement

I wrote my 3 Pages this morning. I am finishing this post. I will do my best to do a bit of editing, even if it is just for five minutes.

Onward, Ho!

Music Comes Alive!

I’m listening to Frampton Comes Alive! and thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve blogged.

Como siempre, health issues arise and fall, but I’m tired of talking about those.

Work has been good, if not terribly busy. I’m writing some great pieces for work and I am proud of that.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young and really loving that music from my childhood. It’s made me think about how old my musical idols are and how people are dying every day and too soon, it will be Brian May, Roger Taylor, John Deacon, Peter Frampton, Yusef Islam (Cat Stevens) and more.

My mom brought this music to me. From The Association and The Moody Blues to America and, of course, Pink Floyd and Queen.

My sister Amy gave me Kansas, Styx, Aerosmith, Boston, and The Eagles.

Amy and I had a tumultuous life together. She died of an accidental overdose to Fentanyl in 2011, before everyone carried Narcan. We really didn’t like each other very much, even if we loved each other deep, deep down.

My favorite memory of her… with her… was when I was driving her somewhere and we had not been talking for an hour, just listening to the radio. We were probably angry with each other, hence our silence. Then “American Pie” by Don McLean came on and without hesitation, we both sang every word of that 8 minute, 37 second long song together. I remember crying as it ended because it had been the most tender moment I’d ever shared with my sister. It turned out to be the most tender moment I would ever share with her.

I can feel that love flowing from us still… a beloved memory recreated with music.

What I Wonder About Queen

The Band as a Whole

Did the guys give Freddie shit about what he wore on stage? How did Freddie respond? In the commentary of Montreal 1981, Roger says he always laughed when Freddie wore shorts on stage. Brian said he just didn’t know what to say about them. Did they tease like boys? Did they tell Freddie his dick was going to fall out of the white shorts and maybe he should wear underwear? Did they tell him the first five rows could see his dick even when it hasn’t fallen out? Did Freddie laugh his ass off and say, “I don’t give a fuck, dear.”

Looking at the masses of photos they modeled for, did they get sick of it all? They look great and relaxed in almost all of them. How did they tolerate that crazy boring part of being stars? When someone said, “You have a photo shoot in two hours,” did they moan and groan about having to get dressed again, to model, again. Did they just take it in stride? What was the worst part of the job of Queen? If I had to pick what would drive me crazy would be photo sessions, mostly because I do not always feel pretty enough to be photographed 24/7. If you are a Queen member, do you just see it as a normal part of your day?

What did they snort coke with? Fingernails? (As Roger simulates in “One Vision.” at 4:43) $100 bills? Silver or gold spoons? Was “Killer Queen” really about snorting coke?

I really don’t care much about the other drugs they might have done.

I know they drank cases of Moët, but what about wine? What was each of their favorite wines? They drink/drank lots of whisky; what is/was their favorite? Are any of them considered alcoholics? Have they ever tried not drinking?

When it came to lyrics, did they see who could use the most complex word? Was it a contest to see who could have the most creative lyrics? I think about their Scrabble games and how competitive they were making words; did that translate to writing songs as well?

John Deacon

Does John ever listen to his famous bass riffs and smile? Does he listen to other bassists fawn over his music? Does John ever miss performing? Does he pick up his bass at home and play? Even all by himself? Does he have a collection of his basses in the house?

When John wrote, “I Want to Break Free,” had he been having an affair and wanted out of his marriage? How did he fix his marriage so they are still together after 48 years?

Did John have fun when he was in the band? Does he have good memories? Is he happy now? I really hope he has had a wonderful life. Such a gentle soul.

Brian May

Did Brian snort coke like the others? With the others? He has said he did not do any drugs. Did he worry about his 180 IQ? How did he avoid all that with the other three around him doing drugs?

Was Brian the guy who was the furthest out of the circle? People think it was John, but Brian dealt with depression. Was part of that his isolation from not partying like the others? Or did he and he just has kept his secrets tighter than the others.

Did the guys know Brian suffered from depression? Did Brian ever tell any of them when he was having a hard time? I would imagine he told Roger when he went into the treatment center in 1997. Did he tell John? Was his stint in Arizona before or after they filmed “No One But You (Only The Good Die Young)“?

Is Brian happy? It’s as if I can see the pain in his eyes on IG and YouTube sometimes. He does speak about his on and off again difficulties. Are they as painful as in the past when he needed a lot of help to get balanced again? I can relate to Brian so much and my heart hurts feeling those same types of emotions… and that he might feel something similar… I wish better for both of us.

On a more humorous note, did the guys tell Brian not use such big words except when he was playing Scrabble? (Even then, Roger never forgave Bri for getting the highest score for one word – 168 points. Bri, used all his letters on a triple word score, spelling “lacquers.” Roger spits, “Bastard!” in the video.)

Freddie Mercury

Freddie had a fun life. I don’t even question that. Did he love his time in the band, too? I can’t imagine he would not have since he stayed and was a major proponent of the band staying together.

Freddie seemed like he loved his life. Listening to some of his songs, he also felt sad deeply… longingly… at times. He really did seem otherworldly. That had to have been difficult sometimes/a lot. Did he ever wish for something different? More anonymity? What was it like in his mind? Was he always thinking in song?

Did anyone in the band not visit Freddie at the end and hurt his feelings? What did Freddie think? Did Freddie ever wonder where he got AIDS? Did he care? Did he cry when he got the diagnosis? Did he have other friends with AIDS to talk to?

He loved Mary. Full stop.

Roger Taylor

Did Roger ever get any Sexually Transmitted Infections from his dalliances? Are there Roger babies running around all over the world? Does he know about them? Does he take care of them? Does he visit them? How could he not have any other kids?

Roger is snarky and sarcastic and incredibly dryly funny. I didn’t like Roger for a long time (despite finding him yummingly attractive) until I heard some of his songs that illustrated his heart better than any interview ever did.

“Surrender” is a song about domestic violence… one I can relate to because of my client who was killed by her estranged husband.

You can’t hurt me now, I’m gone from you
You can’t hurt me now
You can’t hurt me now
You can’t reach me where I’ve gone to
I surrender

And “Foreign Sand”

Why do we fear what we don’t understand
Can’t we reach out our hands to try to just say hello
Try to plant a seed, fulfill the need
To make it grow, just say hello

Someone without a heart does not write lyrics like that. Now I would have Roger’s baby.

So Many Thoughts

I am sure I have more questions, but these are ones that have been floating around in my head. It feels good to have written them down. Doubtful I will ever get any answers, but the questions are now out in the Universe. Float around, question marks!

The Band You Never Want to Be In

Taylor Hawkins loved the band Queen. Taylor was the drummer in Foo Fighters who died at the age of 50 on March 25, 2022.

Roger Taylor, Queen’s drummer, became such good friends with Taylor Hawkins, the Taylor family considers Hawkins as Roger’s son Rufus “Tiger” as his “almost godson.” It was Freddie Mercury who gave Tiger his nickname; clearly, it stuck.

Freddie Mercury died November 24, 1991 when he was 45 and Tiger was eight months old.

I’m sure others figured this out a lot sooner than I did, but the close ties between the two bands, with Taylor Hawkins as the connector, has to be spooky in that Queen and the Foo Fighters each lost a beloved member who had been with them for over two decades.

What I hope is Roger Taylor and Brian May are a support for Dave Grohl (whose best friend was Taylor Hawkins) and the other Foo Fighters members as they grieve their drummer Taylor. What a sad club they belong to, with such an amazing connection being the wonderful Taylor Hawkins. Hawkins even shares a name with Roger and Tiger Taylor.

My head spins as I consider it all. Theirs must as well.

Tributes

This first video was made by the three remaining members of Queen… John Deacon, Brian May, and Roger Taylor… as a tribute to Freddie Mercury. It’s exquisitely, sadly, beautiful. It was the last video John Deacon ever did before retiring from Queen, and music, altogether. There was an enormous Tribute Concert for Freddie, but I wanted to share this kind gift his bandmates gave him privately.

Bring tissues.

This second video is from the Taylor Hawkins Tribute Concert held in London on September 3, 2022. Taylor’s 16-year old son Shane is featured as drummer in his dad’s place as they sang “My Hero.”

I can’t watch this without chills or tears.

Again, I hope… no, am sure… each comforts the other… Queen and Foo Fighters.

I’m so glad they have been friends for so long.

Listen Up! The Joy of John Deacon’s Bass

It’s always been difficult for me to hear the bass line of any music, including Queen’s. I often heard about Deacy’s (Deek-ee) skills, but unless he was playing without the band, I just could not hear him.

Until Today

This morning, I put on headphones and turned Queen videos on YouTube and, amazingly, I could, all of a sudden, hear Deacy’s bass lines! Shocked, I listened to the next song, then the next. There it was again. Did I just need headphones on all this time?

But I’d listened with headphones before, yet the bass never popped out like it did this morning.

Focus

For song after song, I concentrated to hear the bass John was playing, all but ignoring Freddie, Roger, and Brian, wanting to hear, finally, what I had been missing for far too long.

I am in heaven!

Amazing Listen

Below is Charles Berthoud playing Deacy’s most famous bass creation and one every new bass player learns first. This is 1:33 minutes long, but will move you to tears with its beauty and connection.

Thanks, John!

50,000 Words in 28 Days!

I did it!

I won NaNoWriMo!

I am so happy!

NaNoWriMo & More

Days 1 and 2 of NaNoWriMo were a success (both days exceeding the 1667 words needed to stay on track) and it’s going surprisingly well. I often start well and fade as the month goes on, so let’s see how I am in a couple of weeks.

The Editor in My Fingers

I have always edited as I write. Always. My “drafts” are usually good enough to publish/print and that’s just the way I have always done things. Even writing these books I have been working on for nigh on five years. It’s definitely kept me from getting any traction to finish.

A few days ago, I had a dream that told me to write like I tell stories out loud. Just “speak” them onto the paper (keyboard). I practiced for three days before NaNo and it went surprisingly well. But what about when the pressure is on and I begin to think about editing all of this garble in the future?

Don’t think.

Just write.

Talking Story to the Computer

These two days were so easy to get the words out without my constantly trying to think of a better word, making sure I don’t put too many adverbs in, getting the timeline correct.

Just write.

So I just wrote.

NaNo Forums

I belong to a great forum for older writers and we are all so supportive of each other. Again, it is only Day 2, but I like several of the folks there and they seem to like me okay.

I’ve been asked several times to join Discord, but I have demurred. I do have to work during this month and have a lot of writing to do there, too. Besides my 2000 NaNo words this morning, I wrote an 800 word essay that was needed at the last minute. I have to Tweet and and and… blah blah.

So no Discord. No new distractions even though I know it would be fun and might be helpful. Actually proud of myself for saying no to an invite. I must be growing up.

The Clock Still Glows

I really am still in this hypomanic state. It’s working well for NaNoWriMo, so not complaining.

My Morning Ritual

I tell the boys (Deacy, Freddie, Brian, and Roger) good morning, turn on the Playlist for the writing at that moment (shockingly, not always Queen!), light the candle, put the candle in front of Buddha, get two cans of Diet Coke (that I am hoarding as if it was TP in 2020), then sit down and begin writing. This is usually around 4am.

Feels like a good rhythm so far.

Babies, “Bohemian Rhapsody,” & Uber Rides

I had a wonderful day!

I took an Uber to my daughter Aimee’s a couple of hours away and spent a few hours holding her four-month old baby (my grandbaby!) and had time with my other toddler granddaughter, too. It was glorious being with all of them.

I also got to fold clothes which is my favorite chore to do ever ever.

As I held the child in my family line, I began singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” to her. She seemed to like it, smiling at me at one point. Then, from the kitchen, I hear someone joining my voice, singing along. I got chills and kept singing. It was wonderful to know so many people know this amazing song.

Ubering

I was tired when I left, so put my earbuds in for the two hour ride home and dozed to my Queen playlist.

I heard “Bohemian Rhapsody” playing and, confused, took one of my earbuds out only to hear “BoRhap” playing on the driver’s sound system. I laughed and asked him how he knew “Bohemian Rhapsody” and he said, “Doesn’t everybody?” When I asked how old he was, he said 22 and I was floored.

“When was the first time you heard this song?”

“I’ve always known it.”

In my head I laughed. I think kids are born knowing it now. A from-the-womb sort of thing.

“Killer Queen” came on and I asked, “Are you playing a Queen playlist?”

“I am,” he said.

All I could do was laugh and thank him for being so cool.

He started “Bohemian Rhapsody” again and we sang together; the entire song.

Second Time

This was the second time a driver had a Queen playlist. The second time the driver was in his twenties and knew every word to “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

How random is this?

Apparently, not so random after all.

I’m Wearing a Shirt!!

That might seem weird hearing me say that, but I have not put on a normal shirt that I could buy in a regular store in over a decade. I have been wearing huge, baggy dresses that are either specially made or come from “super-size” women’s clothing stores.

But since I’ve lost 70 pounds, I thought I would give it a try. It’s the biggest size, but it fucking fits! I have tears I am so excited.

Of course I had to put Queen on first!

Yay, me!!

Below, Brian May sings his song “’39” from Queen’s A Night at the Opera album.

This is a song about traveling far and fast, then returning to a changed world. This is exactly how I feel.

Thanks, Bri!

“Death on Two Legs”: When a Writer Gets Revenge

There are plenty of songs, articles, and posts about getting revenge on someone through words.

There might not be any better song than “Death on Two Legs (Dedicated to…)” by Queen on the 1975 A Night at the Opera album.

Death on two legs
Tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You never had a heart (You never did)
Of your own (Right from the start)
Insane, should be put inside
You’re a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride
Should be made unemployed
Then make yourself null and void
Make me feel good (I feel good)

This section is not even the worst of the lyrics. Give a listen for the whole picture.

Warnings Abound

When Googling “Revenge Memoir” a slew of posts and articles come up explaining why revenge memoirs are not the way to go about exacting revenge on someone.

It seems like revenge songs are way more common. They would be fun to sing, wouldn’t they?

Queen’s “Death on Two Legs (Dedicated to…)” was about their first manager, Norman Sheffield, who swirled in Queen’s money while they were still broke. While Sheffield’s name or job was not mentioned, Sheffield outed himself by suing Queen for defamation. They settled out of court and Sheffield, many years later, wrote Life on Two Legs: Set the Record Straight where, of course, he denied stealing from Queen.

What I Wish I Could Write

There are plenty of people in my life, including midwives, who I wish I could write trash about. Sadly, I doubt that will ever happen. If I do write about my midwifery life, the bitches will be composites and while they can’t know for absolute sure, they will know who they are by their own words still floating around trying to stab me and polluting their own air.

That felt good.

(And yes I know my own words affect me, but they are inside even if you don’t see or hear them and writing them outside is a release. Of sorts. I’ll accept the consequences.)

The following song is perfect to close on.

Funko Roger Finally Arrived! (Quite Hungover)

I got the notice that Roger had arrived, but when I checked my doorstep, it was empty. I looked the 1/8 mile up to the mailbox and saw the box hanging out.

I got dressed, put shoes on, brushed my hair, grabbed my phone in case I fell down and needed help, and began my hike out to the front 40.

Not used to trudging further than to the kitchen, I walked. Rested. Walked. Rested. Cursing Roger the whole way. If there was an Uber that could have picked him up to bring his too-hungover-to-walk-to-the-house-himself Funko, I would have called one. Instead, I had to go pick the yummy idol up m’self (my bad British accent there).

Finally in my arms, Roger’s box (haha, as opposed to allllll the other of Roger’s “boxes“) tucked under my arm, I hiked back to the homestead, again in fits and starts. Again, cussing at Roger for not being sober enough to walk his own ass to his new home.

Roger Finally Joins the Queen Funko Team

Once I caught my breath in the house, the journey became irrelevant as I scissored the box open, opened the Funko box, and tipped Roger out of the clear, hard plastic into my hands.

Roger Taylor Queen Funko — Queen’s Roger Taylor Funko

Do you see his hooded eyelids? He even looks hungover! If I had sunglasses, I would put them on him because I’m sure the light is a tad much for his brain at the moment.

My Own Funk-Y World

Above, you get to see how my bizarre mind works. I should put these mental shenanigans on paper and make some cash out of it.

Watch Roger’s amazing live performance of his song “I’m in Love With My Car.” It’s the second song in this medley starting with “Killer Queen.”

It’s gloriously fantastic!

Queen Has a Typo (I’m Going to Faint)

What do I do?

It is on Instagram on Brian May’s site: @BrianMayForReal and I wrote a comment, but deleted it a couple of minutes later not sure of protocol.

I really am quite distressed.

Queen Typo — “Memebers” instead of “Members”

The Scheme of the World

I know that, with what is happening in the world, this is a nothing.

In my pitiful defense, I can see typos 100 miles away. They make me twitch if I see them randomly. If I see them over and over, I want to fix them with a black Sharpie.

My girls explained that some people/sites put typos in to slow readers down. It slows me down for sure; I leave the site. I do make allowances for non-English speakers or not-English native speakers.

But this is Queen, for fuck’s sake! They have millions and millions of dollars! They have to have proofreaders! I will be one for them if they need one. (Can you imagine? My Funkos on my desk at Queen Headquarters?)

I’m trying to avert my eyes.

It will be a “Miracle” if I can.

How Have I Lived Without Dolls?

There have been no dolls in the house since the kids were little and even then, I don’t remember playing with them, making them listen and talk. The last time I remember playing with dolls was with Barbie Dolls. I was about eight before I was “too old” for them.

Queen Funkos Are the Bomb

I am having the best time with my Funko Deacy (John), Freddie, and Brian. I’m still waiting for party-boy Roger to arrive. I talk to them all the time. It’s so funny how easy they are to talk to. Avid listeners, they hold their instruments and Freddie has a grip on his mic. I squint and wonder if Freddie is going to hold his microphone out for me to speak into. He’s not remembering that what I share is kind of private.

(I am so crazy.)

John Deacon, Freddie Mercury, Brian May – Queen Funkos

Writing as Dolls

I have kept journals for decades and suppose I talk to the pages as I am to the dolls, but something feels different. I get up to grab a Diet Coke and ask the boys (for they were boys then; ask Bri) to make sure no one takes my seat. Or I ask them to monitor the phone and let me know if I’m getting a call. I’ve never done that with writing.

With writing, I am talking to myself and then answering myself. In writing, it’s more introspection – just like here in the blog.

Would writing as dolls be all dialogue? Would I ask, then answer?

It seems quicker to just yack with the boys.

Sing for me, Barbie!

Freddie & Bri (Funkos) Move In

Freddie and Brian came today and already I am yacking with them about their new song Face It Alone (below) that came out today. Deacy (John), quiet as always, just listens. Roger needs to get here, but he is probably sleeping with some Funko Babe and running late.

Funko Freddie Mercury Brian May — Freddie Mercury and Brian May Queen Funkos

I’m the Village Crazy Lady

I really am hilariously nuts.

My Funkos Need Air

People are hollering about my taking the Queen Funkos out of their boxes, but I am not a collector. I want them where I can touch them, hold them, and yes, even talk to them.

I haven’t had a doll in far too long.

This is rather cool.

A Writer’s Lament: “Face It Alone”

Queen dropped a new song this morning. It’s so beautiful!

Queen is credited as the songwriters, but it’s clear Freddie Mercury had a large hand in this beauty. It was written as he was sick with AIDS, knowing he was destined to die. The poignancy is palpable.

As is usual with Queen’s music, and all music for that matter, the meaning of the song shifts depending on the listener. I hear it as a writer’s lament, the solitude of writing, and how the words burn inside, needing to escape.

A new song added to my Queen Meditation Playlist, I shall listen as Freddie, and Queen, sing to me as I write.

Queen: Face It Alone (Lyrics)
Video Below

When something so near and dear to life,
Explodes inside,
You feel your soul,
Is set on fire.

When something so deep and so far and wide,
Falls down beside,
Your cries can be heard,
So loud and clear.

Your life is your own,
You’re in charge of yourself,
Master of your home,
In the end,
In the end,
You have to face it all alone.

When something so dear to your life,
Explodes inside,
You feel your soul,
Is burned alive (burned alive).

When something so deep and so far and wide,
Falls down beside,
Your cries can be heard,
So loud and clear.

Your life is your own,
You’re in charge of yourself,
Master of your home,
In the end,
In the end,
You have to face it alone.

When the moon has lost its glow,
When the moon has lost its glow,
When the moon has, when the moon has lost its glow,
When the moon, when the moon has lost its glow,
You have to face it all alone.

Funko! (aka I have officially lost my mind)

Funko John Deacon — My Deacy (John Deacon) Queen Funko!

Bipolar Diary: The “Bicycle Race” Speaks

Something I heard yesterday, but was drown out by the other activities of my brain, surfaced again in the night and continues this morning.

You remember the sound of playing cards on bike spokes?

They are humming along in my room.

I have a huge AC and a tall fan on 24/7, so nothing has changed as far as equipment. I turned them both off, together and separately, and I still have the cards-in-the-spokes sound. It’s not as loud as the video above, but it is distinct and I can hear it over both the AC and fan. I have to turn the music up pretty loud to drown it out.

So I do.

Tired of This Reporting

There’s more, but I’m tired of telling y’all every detail of what my head is doing. I think I’m going to take the day off writing about my mental craziness and find something else to chat about.

In the meantime, enjoy Queen’s “Bicycle Race” video below.

There’s nudity.

Have fun!

Bipolar Diary: Rushing “Headlong”

Today got weird.

I am in a small room and it came to life, scaring the bejeezus out of me.

“Fallin'”

A can fell off the shelf (but didn’t really). The smoke alarm rang out twice (but didn’t really). Someone slammed their hand on my desk (but no one was here). A pane in the window cracked (but didn’t really).

I covered my head with my pillow until I could get control of the fear that I was the one cracking up, then I was able to sit and allow the hallucinations their performances.

Why do I think they are gone, and they are gone for days, then come back full-force for no apparent reason? Am I going to have several more days or these noisy, annoying visions and sounds? No scents, at least so far, just the visual and auditory hallucinations. When I was in bed, I thought I felt something crawling on me, but ignored it and it went away, so maybe some tactile will wander back to my skin.

I tried to sleep, but the random noises kept occurring so I got up to write. This way I have some control over validating if these things were real or not.

I have a lot of canvas pictures on the walls and they keep tilting, which is impossible since they are stuck on with Command Strips. I blink and they regain their correct positions.

The best way to describe it is like a not-too-serious earthquake shaking things up, but when I blink or close my eyes for a few moments, everything goes back to their proper place.

“Headlong”

I do wonder if I’m going headlong into mania. I thought I’d avoided it, but now things are picking up steam again. I still refuse to take the Risperdal, so if I fall over, it’s my own fault.

I have not slept since I woke up 23 hours ago despite the try when all the action abruptly started and I gave up an hour later. I would love to sleep, but am not remotely tired. I do get a bit worried when I have not slept for 24 hours or more, but not much to do about it.

I guess I’ll just keep writing.

Bipolar Diary: Tormented by “Time”

I know y’all are tired of hearing about the clock… as tired as I am talking about it… but for fuck’s sake, it has a life of its own.

This morning, the numbers are dancing to Brian May’s “’39.”

I wonder if I am having hallucinations that I’m missing what with all the focus on the clock and time.

Time

Time is weird because I wake up and think it is the opposite am/pm than it really is. This has happened several times. Not sure why I am turned around, it isn’t like I go to sleep in the light and wake in the dark.

I counted how long I slept last night because I’ve wondered if I might still be in hypomania. 2.5 hours. Hmmm… probably not so good.

I am kicking ass working, though, but am talking a tad too fast and loud and have to consciously slow down and lower my voice. I’m also writing like a banshee. Work blog posts are pouring out of my fingers. Not doing so bad here, either. I feel alive!

If someone told me what I just wrote up there, I would tell them they need to talk to their psych because 2.5 hours of sleep isn’t normal and needs to be more. But I justify it that it isn’t every night. Some nights I’m sleeping for four hours. That’s better, right?

Fuck, I love hypomania.

Happy it’s still here.

Stormy “Love of My Life” – Writing Meditation

I came across this beautiful YouTube audio of Brian May playing Freddie Mercury’s “Love of My Life” on his classical guitar set to a wonderful gentle stormy night backdrop.

It’s an hour long – set on constant repeat for me – writing meditation. I thought someone else might benefit from this beauty.

Below the solo guitar is the video of Brian playing in concert while Freddie Mercury sings.

Exquisite.

Thank you, Freddie and Bri.

Thank you so very much.

Love of my life, you’ve hurt meYou’ve broken my heartAnd now you leave meLove of my life, can’t you see?

Bring it back, bring it backDon’t take it away from meBecause you don’t knowWhat it means to me

Love of my life, don’t leave meYou’ve taken my love (my love)And now desert meLove of my life, can’t you see? (Please bring it back)

Bring it back, bring it back (back)Don’t take it away from me (take it away from me)Because you don’t know (ooh-ooh-ooh know)What it means to me (means to me)

You will rememberWhen this is blown overAnd everything’s all by the way (ooh)When I grow older (yeah)I will be there at your side (ooh)To remind you how I still love you (to remind you)(I still love you)

Back, hurry back (back, back)Please, bring it back home to me (bring it back home to me)Because you don’t know (ooh-ooh-ooh know)What it means to me (means to me)

Love of my lifeLove of my life(Ooh, ooh)

-written by Freddie Mercury