I’m Depressed (Again)

Due to a glitch in my insurance and the Latuda company’s lack of medication, I went about a week without it. Might have been more. I have been back on it for 4 days now, but have fallen into depression. I wasn’t sure at first, but after sleeping 20 hours a day 3 days in a row, I think that qualifies as depression.

sssss

And the crying.

sigh

I hate the crying.

cryinggg

The welling up of tears for (seemingly) no reason. The way they fall unabated, no amount of logic stopping them. They just turn on and off at their own whim.

What am I sad about? Nothing. There is no precipitating factor here, merely biochemical.

I want out of it.

NOW.

Bipolar Diary: Terribly Depressed

One sign of when I am in a serious depression is I can no longer write. It’s been since Dec. 30th that journaling words have come out of these fingers.

red-flag

Psych Visit

I went to the Psych today and sobbed about how frustrated I am about this post-mania depression. He said it just takes time. I said I am losing time by sleeping and losing LOTS of money by not working.

Blessedly, no suicidal thoughts or ideation. Still have visual hallucinations, but meh on those.

Last thing we did was up the Wellbutrin (of which I have even worse Tardive Dyskinesia now). Now we’re upping the Cymbalta from 60mg qd to 90mg qd. He said he is giving it 4 weeks to change things before he considers upping it again.

Can you hear me groaning in despair?

sigh

 

Bipolar Diary: The Rough Cut

I feel like cutting my tongue out. I swear someone is using a course-grit sandpaper, rubbing it over and over and over, while I sleep.

sandpaper

What’s sucky, too, is the Tardive Dyskinesia is doing overtime even while I am awake. Unless I am purposefully monitoring my tongue and jaw action, my tongue is scraping across my molars or my front teeth. Continuously.

Thank the Universe no one is noticing (probably because I am in the freakin’ house!), but even working on the phone, talking sexy, no one has noticed a difference. After a call longer than 30 minutes though, my jaw and tongue are sore (muscle sore) from trying to do two things at once: trying to keep getting the guy off and try not to make it sound like I am licking the phone. (Whereas upon reflection, that might not be such a bad idea.)

cell-bed
artists, Mrzyk-Moriceau

Wellbutrin

I am lost over what to do about the TD. I would need to cut down or quit the Wellbutrin and I feel so, so much better on it. The prospect of stopping it terrifies me. (And the TD might not go away after stopping the medication anyway!) I see the Psych in a week and will talk to him about it, but the decision is 100% mine about what to do: stay on it OR go off of it and try yet another medication that might cause TD even worse, and possibly permanent symptoms, than this.

Fuck, I hate dilemmas.

Bipolar Diary: (Fucking) Depression

I am immobilized by depression now.

I cannot work. I can barely write. I am sleeping 100 hours a day.

ksenia-anske
artist, Ksenia Anske

Yet ANOTHER Visit to the Psychiatrist

Over and over and over I go, like on a loop, sitting in the Psych’s office, trying to form words that explain how I feel:

  • Despondent
  • Apathetic
  • Useless
  • Premonitions of Agoraphobia
  • Infinitely sad (made worse by Aleppo)
  • So, so, so tired

And words I do not share because they will toss me in the hospital if they fall out of my mouth. We’ll just let them sit in there and rot.

david-kessler
artist, David Kessler

Medications

Another change in meds. Lowering the Risperdal, upping the Wellbutrin. Will it make one iota of a difference? Can’t I have some speed, please? “We don’t want you having those horrible hallucinations again, do we?” (Yes, please. If I can stay awake.)

Change cannot come soon enough.

Bipolar Diary: Confession

I am embarrassed to say…

ashamed_art
ashamed

I Am Cheating.

When I went to the Psych a few days ago, he changed my Wellbutrin from 100 mg once a day to 100 mg twice a day. I asked if we could do 3 times a day. (You know, if 1 is good, 10 has to be better, right?) He said no to the 3 because it could send me back into Mania… and I wouldn’t want that would I?

Ohhhh, noooo.

I said what he wanted to hear, but began calculating how many Wellbutrin I had at home to be able to take 3 a day.

Just for a few days, you know. Just to get me over this sleeping 18+ hours a day thing.

It’s Working, Too!

sarah-dockter
artist, Sarah Dockter

Probably the bad part is it’s working. Not sending me to Mania that I can tell, but boy howdy, when I start to get that overwhelming sleepiness, I take a Wellbutrin and perk right back up for several hours.

I really am only taking 3 a day. I promise. (If I was going to confess this, I might as well go all the way, right?)

Not sure when (or if) I will lower it. Then I have to decide if I am going to tell the Psych when I see him again in 2 weeks.

pondering

Bipolar Mania: Declared Over

It’s over.

It’s bittersweet even saying it.

klimt
artist, Gustav Klimt

I miss being awake almost all day (or a couple of days at a time). On Halloween, I slept 19 hours. As I have written, that isn’t the first time I have been asleep more than awake. It’s not only annoying me no end, but it is severely limiting my being able to work.

Even when I am awake, my brain is not functioning. I have no memory. Thoughts jump around until they are in a jumble in the center of the room. I am still struggling with the fucking homophones (week/weak, right/write, breech/breach, etc.) spilling out of my fingers as I type. Annoying!

Foresight

Until this manic episode, I was able to tell a depression was coming because of the hallucinations I almost always have turning ominous. I’d mentioned to my Psychiatrist several times about the hallucinations’ slow transitions from pleasant to less pleasant, but I felt fine! (emphatic “fine!”) Now I know it was because I was shimmying UP instead of sliding down. 1998 had been my last manic episode and even that was only my second, so seeing this one coming was virtually impossible.

I have been concerned about depression setting in for awhile and talked about it at therapy today. I remember when I told the Psych my concerns a couple of weeks ago, he said that anything after where I had been is going to feel like depression.

I am really good after 38+ years with diagnosed mental illness, at being able to see my depression setting in. Or I thought so, anyway.

Being able to write is a litmus test for me; if I can write, I’m not in a catatonic depression. I can still write, so that’s good. Even if it is a scrambled mess.

flowing-gif

Hindsight

So the Manic Episode officially (by my designation) began on or around September 1st and I declare it officially over on October 31, 2016. 61 days of Mania… the first 19 days lifting off; the last 18 the beginning of the end. 24 days of really distressing, trying to keep myself out of the hospital, bullshit. Give or take a few herky-jerky days on each end thrown in for good measure.

I miss the mania in several ways, mostly the being awake so much and the incredible productivity. I do not miss spending money I did not have and that I have zero to show for what I spent and the gigantic hole I am now in financially. No, that I could do without.

I keep being reminded that the mania came at a price (not just financial). I really did think I was losing my mind in the midst of it all. I am so thankful I am aware of when I need help.

I am finally finishing this 5 days after beginning. I have slept so much I can hardly do anything, including work.

marie-fox-58
artist, Marie Fox

The sleeping is out of control.

I just got back from the Psych… next up.

Apathy.