Coronavirus – Navelgazing Writer

Cancer Returns/COVID-19 Negative

I have been waiting for some settling before writing, but it seems things are just pressing forward, so here we go!

Cancer First

I have Malignant Melanoma Stage 0, for the second time, on my back.

I was going to the Dermatologist’s doctor to do the excision, but when I went on Friday to have it done, people either had no mask on or had it around their necks. And there was no hand sanitizer anywhere. I had never noticed before, but when faced with surgery, I noticed every unclean thing. I cancelled the surgery and left after telling them why.

Yesterday, I met with the surgeon who did the 2 cancer removals last year and it was wonderful being in his office again. I make them all laugh and they remembered me, which was great.

The doctor played Hamilton Mixtape for me during surgery last time, so we are both Hamilfans and talked about it being on Disney+.

We did discuss the surgery eventually. He said we can start with local and sedation, but in the OR and take a smaller circle, trying to get the margins taken out, but if he does not, it will be a bigger excision like my arm was. He also said it was up to the anesthesiologist whether I had sedation or general. I said that was fine.

COVID-19 Testing

Before I could get my excision, I had to have a negative COVID-19 test, but let me tell you, that was no easy feat.

I am disabled so cannot stand for long and have no car, so waiting in line or doing drive-through testing is impossible for me. Testing sites are not made for disabled people! My therapist said that was an ADA issue for sure and I needed to let someone know how difficult it was for me to get a test.

After days of fruitless trying, I tried to get my Primary Care doctor (who told me to get one, too, because I had conjunctivitis our of the blue) to call in a prescription to LabCorp or Quest because they will only test with prescriptions for it. She said, “You can get tested anywhere! Just go to the clinic and get it there.”

But, people line up, standing, at 6am for the 9am start of testing. Once they sign in, they get back in their cars and do the drive-through thing. Both of which disqualify me.

Just

An aside. Do you ever notice when people say, “Just <fill-in-the-blank-of-instruction>” that the task is really complicated for everyone but the speaker?

Same with, “All you gotta do is <fill-in-the-blank>.”

Doctors & Their Dismissiveness

When I called the primary care doctor, the nurse said the “All you gotta do” line and when I explained to her the situation and that I had conjunctivitis and couldn’t I make an appointment to come in because what if the conjunctivitis was COVID-19. She snorted saying, “You can’t get COVID in your eye,” like I was a stupid patient. I told her the doctor she is working for told me about it being a sign and perhaps she should Google it.

At any rate, they would not call in a prescription to a lab.

So I called the Dermatologist’s office to see if they would call in a prescription, especially since they wanted a negative test before they would schedule my excision. “We don’t do that. All you gotta do is….” and I got pissed.

CentraCare

The conjunctivitis did not respond to the 5 days of drops and my primary care was sending in a referral to an ophthalmologist. I shook my head when the nurse said that. I told her it takes WEEKS for me to get their referrals in the mail. “That’s what she told me.” I said I really hope I don’t die from COVID-19 before the referral gets to me.

I made myself an appointment with CentraCare online. It was for 6 days ahead. So I waited.

When I went 6 days later, the nurse assistant looked at my eye and got out a swab for a COVID test. I didn’t even have to ask. He swabbed up one nostril… and let me tell you, that was infinitely easier than when I had the lit sparklers shoved into my brain via my nostrils.

20 minutes later I had a negative result. YAY YAY YAY!

The Nurse-Practitioner gave me a prescription for different eye drops, stronger. I am doing better goopy eyes-wise, but it has not cleared up completely.

More Testing Coming Up

I will have to have another COVID-19 test 72 hours before surgery, so that is coming soon. I should know in the next couple of days when surgery is.

As Rachel Maddow says, “Follow this space!”

Help for My Coronavirus Anxiety

12:10pm

I have felt so goofy for really thinking I was on death’s door. And looking back at the posts even before thinking I was sick, I can see the level of my anxiety rising more than ever.

How I did not realize it when I, a non-drinker, was drinking a bottle of amaretto every 2 days. I was not thinking, obviously. Now I see how much I was/am hurting.

I have been dealing with anxiety for a long time, had agoraphobia for a couple of years once, then intense stomach aches all last year.

Anxiety COVID-19 Coronavirus Pandemic — art by Alexa Rae Inspirations

At my last psych appointment, February 12, 2020… before we knew much here in the US, my doctor offered me anti-anxiety meds… “Benzos” (Benzodiazepine). Because I have an incredibly addictive personality, I turned him down. The message I left yesterday was, “Bring on the Benzos!”

1:20pm (I just got an Telehealth appointment for Saturday. I can make it until then.)

Self Diagnosis/Self Help

Oh, I thought it was amusing as all get out that I diagnosed my own disorder yesterday. How hilarious is that for a mentally ill woman?

So, I Googled and read about 300 articles on Coronavirus Anxiety and the main thing they say, of course, is to meditate. Be mindful. Stay in the moment. (Well, they do say to severely limit the news, too.)

And what is really bad is I fucking meditate! Clearly not enough to work through the anxiety. I will begin new strategies today… guided meditations on YouTube will be a good way to do that.

An aside: I found this beautiful site (Coronavirus Sanity Guide) with FREE meditation, live discussions and holistic, gentle ways to find yourself Ten Percent Happier.

I think I will go meditate now.

Thanks for listening and hanging in there with me. It means a LOT.

Test Results: NEGATIVE!

And I am confused about how to feel! Isn’t that weird?

On the one hand, I have a baseline. And we know I am a hypochondriac, aka Somatic Symptom Disordered.

On the other, I was hoping it was positive so I could have antibodies and not get sick again. It would have been wonderful to have gone through it as if I was dipping my toe into the brook instead of being thrown into the ocean like most who get it experience the disease.

But, the takeaway, and I am still formulating it, is that now that I know I am negative, the goal is to stay that way. To isolate even more. A friend from work made me a face mask and I will wear it religiously out of the room, along with gloves (which are hard to come by as we know).

I am also embarrassed.

Terribly so. I really thought I was on death’s door. And here I am a week later feeling fantastic. Can I stay alive without freaking out about every symptom I have? Can I stop taking my temperature obsessively? Can I just deal with my co-morbidities and leave it at that?

I need to see my psychiatrist and talk to my therapist as soon as possible. I was having anxiety issues before, now they are exacerbated 1000-fold.

I’m sorry I worried you all. Crying wolf on accident is embarrassing. I am sorry.

…It Feels More Like a Memory

The line from Hamilton: An American Musical is:

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

I have had that line in my head for weeks now. Like a low hum over and over again.

Today it is gone. Startlingly gone. Delightedly, GONE.

Pandemic COVID-19 Coronavirus — artist, Tomasz Alen Kopera

It will take the results of the test to know for sure, but was I really walking towards dying or was I just being dramatic (as my mom spent years telling me when I was as a girl).

Why, then, have I suddenly lost all desire to die? Nothing really changed. I am taking my meds the same. I am doing the same activities. I have not felt good working in days and today, I am excited and having a great time.

What is going on?!?

My Sense of Smell is Back!

I am baffled.

But will be so so so happy if you all call me the most alarmist hypochondriac in the Universe.

I will gladly wear the label.

Feeling Amazing!

7:40am

This is the weirdest shit ever, let me tell you.

Death feels further away than yesterday. Is that weird? I know COVID-19 can turn on a dime, but I am embracing this good feeling today.

I am still breathing easier than I have in months. Can one spontaneously heal even with very damaged lungs? I am shocked.

And happy!

Tonight is Going Well

If I do go to the hospital, I have a friend who will post for me. My children passed on the task but this friend said sure. Good for them!

12:15pm

Feeling okay tonight. If I eat, my intestines rebel quite vociferously, so I think I shall abstain and see how that works.

My breathing has been exceptionally good today, even the asthma has been minimal. Very odd and very different than the last year of constant wheezing. Will be interesting to see what goes on as time passes. Even laying down tonight causes no lung or breathing pain. Still no temperature. Woo hoo!

I am listening to Mists of Avalon, the 4th reading I have had of that book over many years. I tried to read Anne of Green Gables, a story I love in the TV series, but the book was just… so… hyperbolically effusive, it was sicky sweet. I could not continue. I tried to imagine being 11 and reading it, but not sure I would have liked it then either. I will remember Megan Follows as Anne in the show.

I am going to poke around the Net for awhile. Trying to stay away from COVID-19 info. I am quite saturated.

More soon!

What If I Lived?

9:50pm

The really poor feelings come and go. My throat hurts like crazy, but I have only had to do the Nebulizer twice today. Breathing isn’t horrid tonight.

And no fever tonight (so far).

I read about this “slow burn” sort of thing:

“They say, ‘Hey, you know, I think I’m getting over this,’ and then within 20 to 24 hours, they’ve got fevers, severe fatigue, worsening cough and shortness of breath,” said Ohl, an infectious disease expert and professor of medicine at the Wake Forest School of Medicine in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. “Then they get hospitalized.”

I wonder if I am in that 24 hour window.

What if I make it through the 24 hours and am still off and on yucky, but still home? What if I recovered even though fat, diabetic, kidney disease, lung diseased people are THE prime target of COVID-19.

What would that be like?

Food Looks Disgusting

5:00pm

I was wary of food earlier today and the past couple of days, but now, the sight of it… just the thought of it… makes me ill.

As I told Zack, you know I am sick when I can’t/won’t eat!

I should not have to get sick to lose weight, for crying out loud.

Lit Sparkler Up the Nose

1:40pm

Holy fuck, the test hurts.

A lit sparkler up the nose just begins to describe the feeling. Then the person wielding the sparkler tries to touch your brain and burn it.

It’s been an hour and I still feel the burning sensation.

So here’s the best part… HAHA… the most absurd part.

It will take SEVEN to TEN DAYS for the results.

I’m not kidding. So many around the country are baffled. I answer with: Welcome to Florida Health Care.

I told the sparkler lady I could be dead before the results come back. Sheesharooni.

I feel alright at the moment. Trying to eat something, but it tends to make my stomach hurt, so might be done with food for awhile.

Gonna rest.

So Much GI Pain

Worse than labor. OMW for testing.

Waiting for Test Appointment

I gave an extensive history to nurse, then saw the doctor who was really kind. I thanked them both for being there and helping people during this hard time.

I’m having GI crap again (HAHA!), so that isn’t fun at all. My stomach hurts. Breathing is meh… not horrid, but not easy.

I got a “Rx” to be tested and they will call me with an appointment within 24 hours to go through a drive-thru test site a mile away. Not sure how I will get there yet, but will deal with that when the time comes.

Rest, hydrate, and call EMS if I cannot breathe.

Let’s see what the day holds!

Still Home, Not Much Change

6:00am

I slept sitting up and walking to the bathroom brought on weakness and a lot of pain in my back, my right lung more than my left. I sweat through the night, but have no temperature now. Not feeling too terrible if I do not move. I’ve been doing the Nebulizer ever 2 hours and that seems to help, too. That cinched feeling has abated some, but I do still feel it.

Wouldn’t it be the bomb if I survived this?!?! I am on Day 4 of symptoms. The timeline says short of breath on the 13th should begin and severe breathing issues the 16th. I have a morbid note in my phone for the 22nd: Dead yet? I do amuse myself if no one else. HA!

“By day five, patients with preexisting conditions might find that they have trouble breathing, and it usually takes about seven days for a person to go to a hospital.”

“Early studies found that most people who die of the disease will do so within 14 to 19 days. “

So I have a few days to write still? Sheesh. I feel like I’m walking towards the edge of a cliff knowing I am going to be walking off.

I just found this… also not very encouraging:

“They say, ‘Hey, you know, I think I’m getting over this,’ and then within 20 to 24 hours, they’ve got fevers, severe fatigue, worsening cough and shortness of breath,” said Ohl, an infectious disease expert and professor of medicine at the Wake Forest School of Medicine in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. “Then they get hospitalized.”

I won’t do it, but I honestly wonder if taking a slew of pills and some amaretto might night be the best option. I never think about things like that, either. But this? A different time.

Lung Tightness Starting

It’s 10:00pm and the lung tightness started about 90 minutes ago. I’ve been debating going in (I will have to call EMS because I do not have a car), but really would like to wait until I talk to the doc in the morning. If it gets worse, I will just go, though.

I have asthma, new since this year, actually, and this feels different. This feels like I have a cinch around my upper body. You know those velcro things you wear to protect your back? That is what this feels like.

Fever ebbs and flows. My eyes are burning from the fever. I continue barfing, too. No diarrhea since I stopped eating.

I am a DNR and have the paper I wrote that on close by.

Will write as I can.

Thinking I Am Sick

8:00am

I am having horrid stomach pains, diarrhea and vomiting.

I am lost about what to do next, though. Call my provider, I will do at 9am.

5:45pm

Called at 9am and got a tele-doc appointment for tomorrow morning at 8:30am.

As the day has gone on, I’ve developed a fever (my normal is 97.3 and temperature is 99), a headache and it is harder to breathe. Breathing is worse when laying down, so I am staying upright as much as I can. I’m also beginning to cough and have had a sore throat since yesterday. One more… body aches. Ugh!

Of course I am trying to read everything in the world and found this about the GI symptoms:

In the small study of 204 patients diagnosed with COVID-19 in the Hubei province of China, researchers noted that nearly 49% of these patients presented to the emergency department with gastrointestinal (GI) symptoms such as vomiting, diarrhea or abdominal pain. This subset of patients with abdominal pain as their chief presenting symptom also had a more severe course of their illness, while also taking longer to seek medical care.

(emphasis mine)

I had a friend at work send me to Chris Cuomo on YouTube and he shares how to MOVE and BREATHE DEEP to help keep the lungs clear. I have been doing that since watching it. It is much easier sitting up.

Send good thoughts.

The Pandemic Tipping Point

I hear a low hum of laughter coming from the White House… from Jared Kushner, from Stephen Miller… from the former White House staff including Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions. I hear a higher hum of hilarity coming from many, if not most, of the Republican Party. And, sadly, an enormous amount of people who call themselves christians chuckle behind their hands. And most assuredly, the loudest guffaws are coming from white supremacists.

edel rodriguez pandemic covid-19 coronavirus — artist, Edel Rodriguez translation: the real face of Donald Trump

Calculated Response

I believe the government, aka President Trump, is not doing anything to improve COVID-19 testing, getting supplies, acquiring and dispersing medical equipment, enacting the Defense Production Act or anything else positive to keep people alive… on purpose. He cannot even fake being kind by enacting a federal stay-at-home order.

The people dying are black, poor, immigrants, old, sick and, in their eyes, a burden on the economic system in the United States, a system they have been trying to overhaul for decades.

Eliminate Food Stamps! Keep Immigrants out! No School Lunches! Medical Care for all… are you kidding?

But beyond economics, the possibility of seeing mostly white faces in the United States, I believe, is what propels those in charge to do whatever they can… or NOT do whatever they can… so those with coronavirus just die off and get out of their way already.

Wishes Becoming Reality

I really do think the Republican Party is giddy watching the Pandemic unfold. I think they are visualizing every election and financial hurdle being removed as if God was swiping the Thanksgiving table clean with His forearm.

Killing the Voters

Today, Wisconsin was required to have their election.

Wisconsin’s controversial election is back on for Tuesday, and voters will get no extension on the deadline to return absentee ballots despite the coronavirus crisis, thanks to two top courts that sided with Republicans on Monday.

Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers, a Democrat, issued an executive order Monday afternoon postponing the election to June 9, citing the public health risk. But the state Supreme Court hours later overturned the governor, siding with the Republican-controlled Legislature, which had challenged his order.

Later in the day, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of Wisconsin Republicans on a separate issue, voting 5-4 along ideological lines to overturn a lower federal court’s decision to extend a deadline for absentee balloting.

I heard a speaker on MSNBC awhile ago that said one would think that considering everything, Republicans might actually have had some compassion for what has become a literal life or death decision to step out of the house to vote.

Clearly, they do not.

“I haven’t seen anything like this in my lifetime. I’m almost 60. You know, it’s almost unbelievable. I remember long lines during the Reagan years, but the confluence of events is ridiculous. It’s amazing. And I do think Fitzgerald and Vos are setting people up to be killed,” said Todd Marsh, a Milwaukee voter, referring to the Republican leaders of the state Legislature, Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald and Assembly Speaker Robin Vos.

Who’s Falling by the Wayside?

The federal government still isn’t sharing any official statistics regarding the racial breakdown of coronavirus deaths. But this information is starting to seep out at the local level from some states and cities, showing that the pandemic is disproportionately killing Black Americans and other communities of color.

And I know, because I can hear them laughing from here, that those in the White House and their friends and family are thrilled beyond measure.

The Question Becomes…

… will Trump eventually enact a stay-at-home order? Will he figure out how to get tests to everyone who needs them? Will he quit attacking the messengers that tell him hospitals still do not have what they need to stay safe?

How many minorities, folks in nursing homes and those with pre-existing conditions have to die before any positive movement is made?

Far too many.

My heart hurts.

DNR – No Vent – No Intubation

I created this sign and hung it over the head of my bed:

Relieving the Decision

This COVID-19 Pandemic is crushing our country… really, crushing the world. As more and more folks get sick and some of those sick die, I’ve made some decisions I never thought I would have to make in my life. While I have felt closer to death than not the last few years, now it is looming, shadowing almost every thought I have.

Since the beginning of the Coronavirus Pandemic, I’ve been hearing that doctors might eventually have to make the excruciating decision about who gets a ventilator, a machine that breathes for the patient, and who does not get one. The number of vents around the world and here in the US, are far below the number of patients that need them. As each day passes, they are in shorter supply and we are not even at the apex of the epidemic yet.

The time is for decision-making has arrived.

Doctor’s & DNR

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine — This was in Wuhan, China (you can tell because they actually have protective gear) in late February 2020.

Doctors have begun initiating their own DNR’s… Do Not Resuscitate orders… because it’s clear that certain COVID-19 patients are going to die no matter what a medical team can offer. Therefore, if a patient “Codes” (goes into cardiac or respiratory arrest), the doctors are being permitted to:

“‘think more critically’ about which patients should receive one of their limited number of ventilators, and that the institution would support doctors who ‘withhold futile intubations.'”

“Futile” being the operative word.

“Aerosols” During Resuscitation

When resuscitation occurs, that is one of the most dangerous times to be around a COVID-19 patient. During the life-saving procedures:

“…airborne transmission may be possible in specific circumstances and settings in which procedures or support treatments that generate aerosols are performed; i.e., endotracheal intubation, bronchoscopy, open suctioning, administration of nebulized treatment, manual ventilation before intubation, turning the patient to the prone position, disconnecting the patient from the ventilator, non-invasive positive-pressure ventilation, tracheostomy, and cardiopulmonary resuscitation.”

So what do I do if I do not want to infect the healthcare workers around me?

I die at home.

Hospice Care?

I have been trying to see if there is Hospice Care for those dying of COVID-19, but have not found anything but warnings to those that go into the homes of COVID-19… until today.

Ex-NFL kicker Tom Dempsey in hospice care with coronavirus

“Former NFL kicker Tom Dempsey is in hospice care after being diagnosed with coronavirus, relatives said.

“Dempsey, who once held the NFL record for booting a field goal 63 yards when he played with the Saints, began receiving hospice care Wednesday after contracting the virus last month during an outbreak at a senior living center….”

But the likelihood of finding someone to help me at home would be slim, so I am thinking of other options.

Dying at Home

There are other people here at the house and the prospect of their finding me dead isn’t appealing, but I am kind of lost about what to do about the situation. I listened today as they said ambulances are waiting in line for 5 hours at the ER door to bring someone in and then the person is sent to the waiting room for another 10-12 hours, then there are 100 beds in the ER crammed everywhere and people die waiting.

I do not want to die among strangers. I would rather die in my bed.

I want to die in my bed.

Setting Up the Scenario

I will not go into details at the moment, but I have set it up that I will have someone with me as I die… on the phone… and I will not die alone. This person will set everything in motion to get my body removed in a timely matter, call the kids and my mom and alert my work. The girls will get into my Facebook, come in here and say I am gone, etc. etc. etc.

I have been told I am being morbid, but I find more peace discussing these things, getting all in line.

I do not want ANYONE to feel bad about my dying, from EMS to doctors to nurses to the kids, etc.

I want to die in peace, being a caregiver, even in death.

Birth in the Time of COVID-19

Anticipatory Grief

I learned a new term today.

Anticipatory Grieving

Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain. Usually it centers on death. We feel it when someone gets a dire diagnosis or when we have the normal thought that we’ll lose a parent someday. Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there. With a virus, this kind of grief is so confusing for people. Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We’re feeling that loss of safety. I don’t think we’ve collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this. But all together, this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.

That came from Scott Berinato who quotes David Kessler in the Harvard Business Review‘s article, That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief. Kessler is …”the world’s foremost expert on grief. He co-wrote with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss.”

Stages of Grieving

The grieving process we are all familiar with are these 5 stages:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

The 6th stage, recently added, is:

Finding Meaning (I’m just starting this book by the above mentioned David Kessler.)

No Direct Path Through

While it would be so helpful to be able to mark the stages off as I am in one, seeing progress forward towards acceptance and finding meaning in my life and death, sadly, there is no linear means to the relief of pain.

And what has been helpful for me, too, is to know I can feel more than one “stage” at a time. Who knew I could be in the Anger and Acceptance phase together? It has happened more than once since the Pandemic began.

I like this page on Symptoms of Grieving as an adjunct to the Stages. I relate to many of them.

anticipatory COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic — Grief the Unspoken by Natalia Maroz

Resigning Myself…

…to going through all the stages, backwards and forwards, up, down and sideways… until the end.

I am sure my writing will reflect a lot of that.

One Last Thread Hanging

I think I am settled with just about everything in the world. Unfinished work will be taken care of, or not, by the kids. Everyone will go on.

But I want to know about Jamie’s Ghost Watching Claire in Outlander.

Excerpt from Outlander by Diana Gabaldon:

Now I was curious. “What exactly did you see?” I asked, settling myself on the dressing-table seat. I motioned to the whisky bottle with a half-lifted brow, and Frank went at once to pour a couple of drinks.

“Well, only a man, really,” he began, measuring out a jigger for himself and two for me. “Standing down in the road outside.”

“What, outside this house?” I laughed. “Must have been a ghost, then; I can’t feature any living person standing about on a night like this.”

Frank tilted the ewer over his glass, then looked accusingly at me when no water came out.

“Don’t look at me,” I said. “You used up all the water. I don’t mind neat, thought.” I took a sip in illustration.

Frank looked as though he were tempted to nip down to the lavatory for water, but abandoned the idea and went on with his story, sipping cautiously as though his glass contained vitriol, rather than the best Glenfiddich single malt whisky.

“Yes, he was down at the edge of the garden on this side, standing by the fence. I thought”—hesitated, looking down into his glass—“I rather thought he was looking up at your window.”

“My window? How extraordinary!” I couldn’t repress a mild shiver, and went across to fasten the shutters, though it seemed a bit late for that. Frank followed me across the room, still talking.

“Yes, I could see you myself from below. You were brushing your hair and cursing a bit because it was standing on end.”

“In that case, the fellow was probably enjoying a good laugh,” I said tartly. Frank shook his head, though he smiled and smoothed his hands over my hair.

“No, he wasn’t laughing. In fact, he seemed terribly unhappy about something. Not that I could see his face well; just something about the way he stood. I came up behind him, and when he didn’t move, I asked politely if I could help him with something. He acted at first as though he didn’t hear me, and I thought perhaps he didn’t, over the noise of the wind, so I repeated myself, and reached out to tap his shoulder, to get this attention, you know. But before I could touch him, he whirled suddenly round and pushed past me and walked off down the road.”

“Sounds a bit rude, but not very ghostly,” I observed, draining my glass. “What did he look like?”

“Big chap,” said Frank, frowning in recollection. “And a Scot, in complete Highland rig-out, complete to sporran and the most beautiful running-stag brooch on his plaid. I wanted to ask where he’d got it from, but he was off before I could.”

I went to the bureau and poured another drink. “Well, not so unusual an appearance for these parts, surely? I’ve seen men dressed like that in the village now and then.”

“Nooo…” Frank sounded doubtful. “No, it wasn’t his dress that was odd. But when he pushed past me, I could swear he was close enough that I should have felt him brush my sleeve—but I didn’t. And I was intrigued enough to turn around and watch him as he walked away. He walked down the Gereside Road, but when he’d almost reached the corner, he…disappeared. That’s when I began to feel a bit cold down the backbone.”

“Perhaps your attention was distracted for a second, and he just stepped aside into the shadows,” I suggested. “There are a lot of trees down near that corner.”

“I could swear I didn’t take my eyes off him for a moment,” muttered Frank. He looked up suddenly. “I know! I remember now why I thought he was so odd, though I didn’t realize it at the time.”

“What?” I was getting a bit tired of the ghost, and wanted to go on to more interesting matters, such as bed.

“The wind was cutting up like billy-o, but his drapes—his kilts and his plaid, you know—they didn’t move at all, except to the stir of his walking.”

We stared at each other. “Well, I said finally, “that is a bit spooky.”

Frank shrugged and smiled suddenly, dismissing it. “At least I’ll have something to tell the Vicar next time I see him. Perhaps it’s a well-known local ghost, and he can give me its gory history.” He glanced at his watch. “But now I’d say it’s bedtime.”

“So it is,” I murmured.

Ms. Gabaldon (“Herself”) said the riddle of Jamie’s Ghost will be explained in the last line of the series. She is writing Book 9; I have read all 8 and am in love with the Outlander Series, too.

If I had a dying wish, it would be to know how it ends.