I owe you all a Reflection of Aire, but this came out first.
Last night’s Intuition celebrated the wonders of the Earth and Earthly bodies. I know the earth well, so knew this would not be a difficult experience. I did, however, go places I did not expect to and now I will take you with me. (And if you think I am crazy, so be it!)
I was a midwife, doula and monitrice for 32 years, catching about 900 babies and watching even more born through the decades.
So, when I started traveling through time during the meditation, it was not shocking, but surprising that I wandered as a midwife. I walked so many places, barefoot, my feet muddy and toenails chipped and caked with mud.
I walked to wooden houses, mud huts, spaces around a fire with no covering at all. I was walking from my mind’s eye. I did not watch myself, but was looking out my eyes as I moved around. I did not catch any babies during the meditation, but was “With Woman” as counselor, curandera, spiritual leader, doula.
And then I moved even further back, an early human, lots of hair, but upright and in caves. The fire outside the opening kept the animals from approaching the wetness of birth, the blood and fluids that sank into the earth and, subsequently, added to the designs on my feet as I was finished with my time with the family.
I easily went further back, walking on knuckles and feet, knowing I was a gorilla one moment, a chimpanzee another. I wandered as a great ape, not as a midwife, but as a mother myself. Alone, but not lonely, laboring alone and as I birthed, I birthed my Self.
I have not written, continuously hoping I would not have to write about anxiety anymore. Now, I am thinking maybe anxiety is exactly what I need to write about… trying to quell the intense pain in my belly and chest from the horrible fears I feel.
If the pain didn’t go away with relaxation and meditation, I would think something was seriously wrong, but if I can make it go away, then it is not a medical problem, but a psych one.
Last I wrote, I was waiting to talk to my psychiatrist about the anxiety, hoping for benzos to take the anxiety away. He did not prescribe them, but instead prescribed Vistaril, a “cousin of Benadryl” is how he described it. I take it once a day. It doesn’t do squat for the anxiety. I took a Vistaril last night (my anxiety is much worse as the sun goes down) and was awakened several times with horrid stomach pains. I just took a Benadryl and thought that might chill things out. We’ll see.
I am sure you all are sick of my talking about meditating, but I really am finding it to be soothing enough to allow me to catch my breath when things are really bad. I learned that Alexa has a new Guided Meditation each day when I asked for a Guided Meditation this morning. Cool! I will utilize that for sure. Apparently she has several if I want more.
I’m able to do regular meditation usually, but now, during the coronavirus terror (as I think of it), I can’t let go enough to stay for more than a second or two. Guided Meditations are much easier for me to follow than just my breath. YouTube has about 8 million of them and many now are geared for the anxiety of the coronavirus. I find those the most helpful.
I had a great therapy session with my therapist the other night. She is amazing and I am so thankful to have her. I felt great after the session, but the tension crept in again soon after. My psych wants me to see a therapist in this office and I have an intake appointment online this afternoon. One can never have enough therapists, right?
If I could stay away from the news I might lose some of the anxiety. I watch like how my mom has to follow an ambulance… “just to see” what is going on. The statistics are the worst, the stories excruciatingly sad (and getting sadder). I honestly don’t know what more I can learn from the news than I already know.
I saw an OpEd piece a couple of days ago about a guy who is now addicted to HGTV since being home. I used to love HGTV even though I would never even lift a hammer. I changed my channel from the news to HGTV last night and am keeping those images in the background instead of the news always being on. I have the TV on mute, but still, the images are there.
I am flowing through books at an astounding rate. I have started several, but returned them to Audible. Thank gods they have that return policy or I would be stuck with dozens of books I’ve hated. I always buy and read new ones, so guess they are kind to me and let me return knowing I will just get new ones.
I started a new series yesterday, the Plantagenet andTudor Novels by Philippa Gregory. I stumbled across her looking for “Books like Mists of Avalon.” I guess I am the last person in the world to know of the books since I have mentioned them in several places and people say, “Oh! There are TV series’ on them!” When I read down the series titles and saw The Other Boleyn Girl, I loved that because the movie was delicious.