Tag: Bipolar Disorder 1

Bipolar Diary: Why Me, Weird?

For three days, I had slight hallucinations (scent and visual), but yesterday, they came back with a vengeance. 

Three frogs, each the size of my hand, bound across my wall by my pictures, across from where I sit. There is no way for a frog to get in here except under the door and I have that sealed because we have new kittens who can crawl under there. And if it was one, I could excuse my mind, but three? Hopping on the wall like they were a dance troupe? That I can’t ignore.

Then there is the clock. Again. Bright and glowing in its 3D fashion like it was in my delicious hypomania days.

Where Am I?

I can’t pinpoint where I am with my Bipolar Disorder (1). I usually can gauge it easily, like reading the time on a watch, being able to see the way the hands move and in what direction.

I am a bit lost right now. I thought the hypomania was gone and felt sad, but not depressed. Now I am awake, yet not terribly productive. At least for the moment.

I am just getting over a hefty bout of pyelonephritis (kidney infection) as well as a cold. Could that be why I am having a hard time organizing my mental thoughts about what is… and is not… happening?

Psych Appointment Soon

I have my psych appointment soon, so that’s good. Not that they can tell me anything I don’t already know, but it’s good to be validated.

“No, I do not need to go into the hospital.” (Really, really, I do not. They just always ask, so thought I would answer it here.)

I can’t go to the hospital, I have things to do.

“I’m Going Slightly Mad”

Good News

My Cardiac Stress Test came back no blockage in my heart. I am ecstatic about that! I’ve tortured my heart since I was 11 years old, so it’s actually shocking. The summary suggested “Lifestyle Changes.”

Doing it!

Crankiness

I fucking hate Risperdal. I hadn’t taken it in a few (many) days and took the 1mg prescribed and was so groggy all day as if I had taken Trazodone. I hate dreamless sleep. Still was only five hours total, but felt horrible when awake.

What is the price of non-compliance?

I will see if there is something else I can take when I talk to the psych next week.

What Does “Slightly Mad” Look Like?

Maybe I am just in Hypomania with teensy bits of manic hallucinations. 

(Can you hear me laughing as I try and rationalize my behavior and thoughts? If I was listening to myself, I would be shaking my head and saying, “Stop it!”)

Thankfully, I am not listening to myself.