Lit Sparkler Up the Nose


Holy fuck, the test hurts.

A lit sparkler up the nose just begins to describe the feeling. Then the person wielding the sparkler tries to touch your brain and burn it.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

It’s been an hour and I still feel the burning sensation.

So here’s the best part… HAHA… the most absurd part.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

It will take SEVEN to TEN DAYS for the results.

I’m not kidding. So many around the country are baffled. I answer with: Welcome to Florida Health Care.

I told the sparkler lady I could be dead before the results come back. Sheesharooni.

I feel alright at the moment. Trying to eat something, but it tends to make my stomach hurt, so might be done with food for awhile.

Gonna rest.

Waiting for Test Appointment

I gave an extensive history to nurse, then saw the doctor who was really kind. I thanked them both for being there and helping people during this hard time.

I’m having GI crap again (HAHA!), so that isn’t fun at all. My stomach hurts. Breathing is meh… not horrid, but not easy.

I got a “Rx” to be tested and they will call me with an appointment within 24 hours to go through a drive-thru test site a mile away. Not sure how I will get there yet, but will deal with that when the time comes.

Rest, hydrate, and call EMS if I cannot breathe.

Let’s see what the day holds!

Still Home, Not Much Change


I slept sitting up and walking to the bathroom brought on weakness and a lot of pain in my back, my right lung more than my left. I sweat through the night, but have no temperature now. Not feeling too terrible if I do not move. I’ve been doing the Nebulizer ever 2 hours and that seems to help, too. That cinched feeling has abated some, but I do still feel it.

Wouldn’t it be the bomb if I survived this?!?! I am on Day 4 of symptoms. The timeline says short of breath on the 13th should begin and severe breathing issues the 16th. I have a morbid note in my phone for the 22nd: Dead yet? I do amuse myself if no one else. HA!

By day five, patients with preexisting conditions might find that they have trouble breathing, and it usually takes about seven days for a person to go to a hospital.”

“Early studies found that most people who die of the disease will do so within 14 to 19 days. “

So I have a few days to write still? Sheesh. I feel like I’m walking towards the edge of a cliff knowing I am going to be walking off.

I just found this… also not very encouraging:

They say, ‘Hey, you know, I think I’m getting over this,’ and then within 20 to 24 hours, they’ve got fevers, severe fatigue, worsening cough and shortness of breath,” said Ohl, an infectious disease expert and professor of medicine at the Wake Forest School of Medicine in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. “Then they get hospitalized.”

I won’t do it, but I honestly wonder if taking a slew of pills and some amaretto might night be the best option. I never think about things like that, either. But this? A different time.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

Lung Tightness Starting

It’s 10:00pm and the lung tightness started about 90 minutes ago. I’ve been debating going in (I will have to call EMS because I do not have a car), but really would like to wait until I talk to the doc in the morning. If it gets worse, I will just go, though.

I have asthma, new since this year, actually, and this feels different. This feels like I have a cinch around my upper body. You know those velcro things you wear to protect your back? That is what this feels like.

Fever ebbs and flows. My eyes are burning from the fever. I continue barfing, too. No diarrhea since I stopped eating.

I am a DNR and have the paper I wrote that on close by.

Will write as I can.

Thinking I Am Sick


I am having horrid stomach pains, diarrhea and vomiting.

I am lost about what to do next, though. Call my provider, I will do at 9am.


Called at 9am and got a tele-doc appointment for tomorrow morning at 8:30am.

As the day has gone on, I’ve developed a fever (my normal is 97.3 and temperature is 99), a headache and it is harder to breathe. Breathing is worse when laying down, so I am staying upright as much as I can. I’m also beginning to cough and have had a sore throat since yesterday. One more… body aches. Ugh!

Of course I am trying to read everything in the world and found this about the GI symptoms:

In the small study of 204 patients diagnosed with COVID-19 in the Hubei province of China, researchers noted that nearly 49% of these patients presented to the emergency department with gastrointestinal (GI) symptoms such as vomiting, diarrhea or abdominal pain. This subset of patients with abdominal pain as their chief presenting symptom also had a more severe course of their illness, while also taking longer to seek medical care.

(emphasis mine)

I had a friend at work send me to Chris Cuomo on YouTube and he shares how to MOVE and BREATHE DEEP to help keep the lungs clear. I have been doing that since watching it. It is much easier sitting up.

Send good thoughts.

The Pandemic Tipping Point

I hear a low hum of laughter coming from the White House… from Jared Kushner, from Stephen Miller… from the former White House staff including Steve Bannon and Jeff Sessions. I hear a higher hum of hilarity coming from many, if not most, of the Republican Party. And, sadly, an enormous amount of people who call themselves christians chuckle behind their hands. And most assuredly, the loudest guffaws are coming from white supremacists.

edel rodriguez pandemic covid-19 coronavirus
artist, Edel Rodriguez translation: the real face of Donald Trump

Calculated Response

I believe the government, aka President Trump, is not doing anything to improve COVID-19 testing, getting supplies, acquiring and dispersing medical equipment, enacting the Defense Production Act or anything else positive to keep people alive… on purpose. He cannot even fake being kind by enacting a federal stay-at-home order.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

The people dying are black, poor, immigrants, old, sick and, in their eyes, a burden on the economic system in the United States, a system they have been trying to overhaul for decades.

Eliminate Food Stamps! Keep Immigrants out! No School Lunches! Medical Care for all… are you kidding?

But beyond economics, the possibility of seeing mostly white faces in the United States, I believe, is what propels those in charge to do whatever they can… or NOT do whatever they can… so those with coronavirus just die off and get out of their way already.

Wishes Becoming Reality

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

I really do think the Republican Party is giddy watching the Pandemic unfold. I think they are visualizing every election and financial hurdle being removed as if God was swiping the Thanksgiving table clean with His forearm.

Killing the Voters

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

Today, Wisconsin was required to have their election.

Wisconsin’s controversial election is back on for Tuesday, and voters will get no extension on the deadline to return absentee ballots despite the coronavirus crisis, thanks to two top courts that sided with Republicans on Monday.

Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers, a Democrat, issued an executive order Monday afternoon postponing the election to June 9, citing the public health risk. But the state Supreme Court hours later overturned the governor, siding with the Republican-controlled Legislature, which had challenged his order.

Later in the day, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of Wisconsin Republicans on a separate issue, voting 5-4 along ideological lines to overturn a lower federal court’s decision to extend a deadline for absentee balloting.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

I heard a speaker on MSNBC awhile ago that said one would think that considering everything, Republicans might actually have had some compassion for what has become a literal life or death decision to step out of the house to vote.

Clearly, they do not.

I haven’t seen anything like this in my lifetime. I’m almost 60. You know, it’s almost unbelievable. I remember long lines during the Reagan years, but the confluence of events is ridiculous. It’s amazing. And I do think Fitzgerald and Vos are setting people up to be killed,” said Todd Marsh, a Milwaukee voter, referring to the Republican leaders of the state Legislature, Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald and Assembly Speaker Robin Vos.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus

Who’s Falling by the Wayside?

The federal government still isn’t sharing any official statistics regarding the racial breakdown of coronavirus deaths. But this information is starting to seep out at the local level from some states and cities, showing that the pandemic is disproportionately killing Black Americans and other communities of color.

And I know, because I can hear them laughing from here, that those in the White House and their friends and family are thrilled beyond measure.

The Question Becomes…

… will Trump eventually enact a stay-at-home order? Will he figure out how to get tests to everyone who needs them? Will he quit attacking the messengers that tell him hospitals still do not have what they need to stay safe?

How many minorities, folks in nursing homes and those with pre-existing conditions have to die before any positive movement is made?

Far too many.

My heart hurts.

pandemic covid-19 coronavirus
Sadness artist, Francesco Depentor

DNR – No Vent – No Intubation

I created this sign and hung it over the head of my bed:

coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine

Relieving the Decision

This COVID-19 Pandemic is crushing our country… really, crushing the world. As more and more folks get sick and some of those sick die, I’ve made some decisions I never thought I would have to make in my life. While I have felt closer to death than not the last few years, now it is looming, shadowing almost every thought I have.

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine

Since the beginning of the Coronavirus Pandemic, I’ve been hearing that doctors might eventually have to make the excruciating decision about who gets a ventilator, a machine that breathes for the patient, and who does not get one. The number of vents around the world and here in the US, are far below the number of patients that need them. As each day passes, they are in shorter supply and we are not even at the apex of the epidemic yet.

The time is for decision-making has arrived.

Doctor’s & DNR

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine
This was in Wuhan, China (you can tell because they actually have protective gear) in late February 2020.

Doctors have begun initiating their own DNR’sDo Not Resuscitate orders… because it’s clear that certain COVID-19 patients are going to die no matter what a medical team can offer. Therefore, if a patient “Codes” (goes into cardiac or respiratory arrest), the doctors are being permitted to:

“‘think more critically’ about which patients should receive one of their limited number of ventilators, and that the institution would support doctors who ‘withhold futile intubations.'”

“Futile” being the operative word.

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine

“Aerosols” During Resuscitation

When resuscitation occurs, that is one of the most dangerous times to be around a COVID-19 patient. During the life-saving procedures:

“…airborne transmission may be possible in specific circumstances and settings in which procedures or support treatments that generate aerosols are performed; i.e., endotracheal intubation, bronchoscopy, open suctioning, administration of nebulized treatment, manual ventilation before intubation, turning the patient to the prone position, disconnecting the patient from the ventilator, non-invasive positive-pressure ventilation, tracheostomy, and cardiopulmonary resuscitation.”

So what do I do if I do not want to infect the healthcare workers around me?

I die at home.

Hospice Care?

coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine

I have been trying to see if there is Hospice Care for those dying of COVID-19, but have not found anything but warnings to those that go into the homes of COVID-19… until today.

Ex-NFL kicker Tom Dempsey in hospice care with coronavirus

“Former NFL kicker Tom Dempsey is in hospice care after being diagnosed with coronavirus, relatives said.

“Dempsey, who once held the NFL record for booting a field goal 63 yards when he played with the Saints, began receiving hospice care Wednesday after contracting the virus last month during an outbreak at a senior living center….”

But the likelihood of finding someone to help me at home would be slim, so I am thinking of other options.

Dying at Home

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine

There are other people here at the house and the prospect of their finding me dead isn’t appealing, but I am kind of lost about what to do about the situation. I listened today as they said ambulances are waiting in line for 5 hours at the ER door to bring someone in and then the person is sent to the waiting room for another 10-12 hours, then there are 100 beds in the ER crammed everywhere and people die waiting.

I do not want to die among strangers. I would rather die in my bed.

I want to die in my bed.

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine

Setting Up the Scenario

I will not go into details at the moment, but I have set it up that I will have someone with me as I die… on the phone… and I will not die alone. This person will set everything in motion to get my body removed in a timely matter, call the kids and my mom and alert my work. The girls will get into my Facebook, come in here and say I am gone, etc. etc. etc.

I have been told I am being morbid, but I find more peace discussing these things, getting all in line.

I do not want ANYONE to feel bad about my dying, from EMS to doctors to nurses to the kids, etc.

I want to die in peace, being a caregiver, even in death.

dying coronavirus COVID-19 DNR Pandemic Quarantine
Peace in Chaos & Beauty

I am 59-Years Old Today

How fucking cool is that?

I had another Birth Day! WOO HOO!

Happy Birthday


…called me and sang to me (as I do to all my kids, too) and I told her how cool it is that I have known her longer than anyone else on earth. I thanked her for having me and what a FUN time we have had together.

What Does This Year Hold?

No telling anymore!

I am just determined to have EACH day be beautiful and let everyone I know that I love them.

Every. Single. Day.

Birthday Julia Watkins
Moon Dancer by Julia Watkins

Anticipatory Grief

I learned a new term today.

Anticipatory Grieving

Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain. Usually it centers on death. We feel it when someone gets a dire diagnosis or when we have the normal thought that we’ll lose a parent someday. Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there. With a virus, this kind of grief is so confusing for people. Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We’re feeling that loss of safety. I don’t think we’ve collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this. But all together, this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.

That came from Scott Berinato who quotes David Kessler in the Harvard Business Review‘s article, That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief.  Kessler is …”the world’s foremost expert on grief. He co-wrote with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss.”

COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic

Stages of Grieving

The grieving process we are all familiar with are these 5 stages:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

anticipatory COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic

The 6th stage, recently added, is:

  • Finding Meaning (I’m just starting this book by the above mentioned David Kessler.)

anticipatory COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic

No Direct Path Through

While it would be so helpful to be able to mark the stages off as I am in one, seeing progress forward towards acceptance and finding meaning in my life and death, sadly, there is no linear means to the relief of pain.

And what has been helpful for me, too, is to know I can feel more than one “stage” at a time. Who knew I could be in the Anger and Acceptance phase together? It has happened more than once since the Pandemic began.

I like this page on Symptoms of Grieving as an adjunct to the Stages. I relate to many of them.

anticipatory COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic
Grief the Unspoken by Natalia Maroz

Resigning Myself…

…to going through all the stages, backwards and forwards, up, down and sideways… until the end.

I am sure my writing will reflect a lot of that.

One Last Thread Hanging

I think I am settled with just about everything in the world. Unfinished work will be taken care of, or not, by the kids. Everyone will go on.

But I want to know about Jamie’s Ghost Watching Claire in Outlander.

Jamie COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic

Excerpt from Outlander by Diana Gabaldon:

Now I was curious. “What exactly did you see?” I asked, settling myself on the dressing-table seat. I motioned to the whisky bottle with a half-lifted brow, and Frank went at once to pour a couple of drinks.

“Well, only a man, really,” he began, measuring out a jigger for himself and two for me. “Standing down in the road outside.”

“What, outside this house?” I laughed. “Must have been a ghost, then; I can’t feature any living person standing about on a night like this.”

Frank tilted the ewer over his glass, then looked accusingly at me when no water came out.

“Don’t look at me,” I said. “You used up all the water. I don’t mind neat, thought.” I took a sip in illustration.

Frank looked as though he were tempted to nip down to the lavatory for water, but abandoned the idea and went on with his story, sipping cautiously as though his glass contained vitriol, rather than the best Glenfiddich single malt whisky.

“Yes, he was down at the edge of the garden on this side, standing by the fence. I thought”—hesitated, looking down into his glass—“I rather thought he was looking up at your window.”

“My window? How extraordinary!” I couldn’t repress a mild shiver, and went across to fasten the shutters, though it seemed a bit late for that. Frank followed me across the room, still talking.

“Yes, I could see you myself from below. You were brushing your hair and cursing a bit because it was standing on end.”

“In that case, the fellow was probably enjoying a good laugh,” I said tartly. Frank shook his head, though he smiled and smoothed his hands over my hair.

“No, he wasn’t laughing. In fact, he seemed terribly unhappy about something. Not that I could see his face well; just something about the way he stood. I came up behind him, and when he didn’t move, I asked politely if I could help him with something. He acted at first as though he didn’t hear me, and I thought perhaps he didn’t, over the noise of the wind, so I repeated myself, and reached out to tap his shoulder, to get this attention, you know. But before I could touch him, he whirled suddenly round and pushed past me and walked off down the road.”

“Sounds a bit rude, but not very ghostly,” I observed, draining my glass. “What did he look like?”

“Big chap,” said Frank, frowning in recollection. “And a Scot, in complete Highland rig-out, complete to sporran and the most beautiful running-stag brooch on his plaid. I wanted to ask where he’d got it from, but he was off before I could.”

I went to the bureau and poured another drink. “Well, not so unusual an appearance for these parts, surely? I’ve seen men dressed like that in the village now and then.”

“Nooo…” Frank sounded doubtful. “No, it wasn’t his dress that was odd. But when he pushed past me, I could swear he was close enough that I should have felt him brush my sleeve—but I didn’t. And I was intrigued enough to turn around and watch him as he walked away. He walked down the Gereside Road, but when he’d almost reached the corner, he…disappeared. That’s when I began to feel a bit cold down the backbone.”

“Perhaps your attention was distracted for a second, and he just stepped aside into the shadows,” I suggested. “There are a lot of trees down near that corner.”

“I could swear I didn’t take my eyes off him for a moment,” muttered Frank. He looked up suddenly. “I know! I remember now why I thought he was so odd, though I didn’t realize it at the time.”

“What?” I was getting a bit tired of the ghost, and wanted to go on to more interesting matters, such as bed.

“The wind was cutting up like billy-o, but his drapes—his kilts and his plaid, you know—they didn’t move at all, except to the stir of his walking.”

We stared at each other. “Well, I said finally, “that is a bit spooky.”

Frank shrugged and smiled suddenly, dismissing it. “At least I’ll have something to tell the Vicar next time I see him. Perhaps it’s a well-known local ghost, and he can give me its gory history.” He glanced at his watch. “But now I’d say it’s bedtime.”

“So it is,” I murmured.

Ms. Gabaldon (“Herself”) said the riddle of Jamie’s Ghost will be explained in the last line of the series. She is writing Book 9; I have read all 8 and am in love with the Outlander Series, too.

If I had a dying wish, it would be to know how it ends.

Jamie COVID-19, coronavirus, pandemic
Herself, Diana Gabaldon

Was a Morbid Kind of Day

I had a really tough day yesterday.

I See It Coming

I kept “seeing” me dying, could see it clear as day. Can see it clear as day.

I thought about my kids whom I love so much. My grandkids who will not know their Nanny (as they call me) except through anecdotes about how crazy I was. (In a good way.) The oldest might remember me a little bit, but I have had next to zero time with the baby. That breaks my heart. I think about what I want to say to them, but I want to tell them everything. How can I tell them everything without a lifetime together?

I want my kids and grandkids to know how very much I love them and how they will be my last thoughts as I fall into that deepest of sleep.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic

Being Motherless

I think about my own kids who are really just beginning their lives and they will be motherless, unable to ask questions of me about this or that parenting situation. Who will not have a mother with them who says, “I love you,” with every exchange, who calls them at midnight on their birth day to sing “Happy Birth Day to Us.”

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic


…as it is, this life was so short. It really went by in a flash.

I was just starting school at 6-years old, then in band playing flute for 7 years, marching in the Florida heat.

I was partying at the gay bar, then had a baby and married at the same blip in time. Nursing, toddlers, school-aged kids all within a month of each other. Graduations and a marriage… a split second in time.

My life in birth, 32 years long, seems like a blink.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic

Marriage to Zack, the two we had, hilarious fun, being in the news.

Owning a business that I hated… that time dragged on!

And then the kids were grown. When did that happen?

Writing. Always the writing. Meaning to write books that are now half written, like the rest of the world’s words, a silent bestseller in the drawer.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic
artist: Vidula Shinde

I can’t figure out why everything went so fast. The time was there… then gone.

Just. Gone.

And soon, I will be, too. Just gone.

What to Do with the Anger?!

I do not get angry often, but I think with all the stress, it has been building up and came out at my dear friend tonight. My dear friend whose COVID-19 test came back positive today. He has been sick for a week now, but getting better.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic trump

What Are People Thinking?

There are older folks, one not in the best health, in the house and one of them went to the hospital to visit someone today. He wore a mask and gloves and I do not know if they let him in at all, but he still went out. LIVING WITH A KNOWN SICK PERSON! What the fuck was he thinking? My friend said the culture demands visits to sick people and somewhere along the way, he went to a funeral at their place of worship. I was apoplectic that he was out there spreading the virus among unsuspecting people. How “helpful” is spreading a virus that can KILL people in your community?! I just don’t get the logic.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic trump
Where is the logic?

Misplaced Anger

I am sure I am not just angry at him. I am filled with horrible evil feelings about that man that lives in our White House. He is so terrible, there really are no words. Lying, leading people to believe things are better than they are. He’s going to end up firing Dr. Fauci, the hero of the entire pandemic as far as I’m concerned.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic trump
My Hero

And that “person” who said old people would surely be willing to die to save the economy?!? Lt. Governor of Texas, Dan… (emphasis mine)

“…Patrick told Tucker Carlson, ‘No one reached out to me and said, “As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?“‘ But if they had? ‘If that is the exchange, I’m all in,’ Patrick said. He continued: ‘That doesn’t make me noble or brave or anything like that. I just think there are lots of grandparents out there in this country, like me, I have six grandchildren, that what we all care about and what we love more than anything are those children. And I want to live smart and see through this, but I don’t want the whole country to be sacrificed…I’ve talked to hundreds of people, Tucker, and just in the last week, making calls all the time, and everyone says pretty much the same thing. That we can’t lose our whole country, we’re having an economic collapse. I’m also a small businessman, I understand it. And I talk with businesspeople all the time, Tucker. My heart is lifted tonight by what I heard the president say because we can do more than one thing at a time, we can do two things. So my message is let’s get back to work, let’s get back to living. Let’s be smart about it and those of us who are 70-plus, we’ll take care of ourselves. But don’t sacrifice the country, don’t do that, don’t ruin this great America.”

And he smiled the whole fucking interview!

Patrick told Tucker Carlson, “No one reached out to me and said, ‘As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?’” But if they had? “If that is the exchange, I’m all in,” Patrick said. He continued: “That doesn’t make me noble or brave or anything like that. I just think there are lots of grandparents out there in this country, like me, I have six grandchildren, that what we all care about and what we love more than anything are those children. And I want to live smart and see through this, but I don’t want the whole country to be sacrificed…I’ve talked to hundreds of people, Tucker, and just in the last week, making calls all the time, and everyone says pretty much the same thing. That we can’t lose our whole country, we’re having an economic collapse. I’m also a small businessman, I understand it. And I talk with businesspeople all the time, Tucker. My heart is lifted tonight by what I heard the president say because we can do more than one thing at a time, we can do two things. So my message is let’s get back to work, let’s get back to living. Let’s be smart about it and those of us who are 70-plus, we’ll take care of ourselves. But don’t sacrifice the country, don’t do that, don’t ruin this great America.”
Smarmy Pigs

I Say…

“…LET HIM BE ‘SACRIFICED’ FIRST! Cough on him. Let him feel the fear the rest of us feel as we  live through this without his riches and unlimited toilet paper.”

White Christmas

I turned off the news and put on White Christmas. I think I am done crying for a few minutes.

white christmas

Still Here (Yay!)

I have been strangely upbeat the past few days. Even though one of my dear friends is sick and is waiting to see if it COVID-19. We are praying it is negative, but if he got it and that was it, that would be good, too, I guess? Hard to know what to think anymore.


pen Navelgazing Writer

I have not written on any of my books in ages. It’s odd, I thought if I knew I was going to die, I would not take my meds and become manic and write until I dropped dead from fatigue.

Instead, I am writing stuff for work, which is slower than slow, trying to get more clients. With everyone home (no privacy for many), being on lockdown, and the people out of work, paying a sex worker is pure luxury. I am now kicking myself HARD for not saving tons of money. But who could have known?

Living Wills

living-will-pen Navelgazing Writer

I read this article:

“As coronavirus spreads, more people thinking about end-of-life directives: Many are considering medical instructions, guardianship designations and other legal contingency plans.”

In the piece, they say:

“…recommends compiling beneficiary designations, life insurance policies, a list of passwords, key contacts, medical professionals and financial advisers in one place so someone who needs access to that information can find it easily.”

A quick search of “Living Will Coronavirus” came up with tons of sites for lawyers doing just that sort of thing.

It was relieving to see I am not alone in my paranoia about “getting my affairs in order.” I never really thought of others being just as scared as I am, but clearly, I am not alone.


I am reading (listening to Audible) at an astounding rate for not listening every waking moment. I try to listen even if only for a few minutes while I’m eating.

In the last couple of months, I have read:

straight lick Navelgazing Writer

Reading right now: Hitting a Straight Lick with a Crooked Stick: Stories from the Harlem Renaissance by Zora Neale Hurston (this JUST came out and I LOVE IT! Love Zora Neale Hurston anyway, but these newly found short stories are amazing)

That would take me back to the beginning of January.

eyes Navelgazing Writer
Best book I’ve ever read in my life.

Reading, Not Writing

So apparently, I am going to spend my last days reading instead of writing. Have I already put down everything I need to say?

Not quite sure yet.







When to Go to the Hospital?

I’d had a fever off and on all day, a sore throat for 2 days, but I could breathe okay. I called my PCP about 11am yesterday and she said if I still had a fever at 6pm, to call the hospital.

“Go to the Hospital ER”

I did have a fever, so I did call the hospital and after a 20-minute wait, they connected me to the ER and was told to come in.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic

I’d looked up the hospital where I go (a mile away) to see if they had drive-through testing and the site and the press said they had tents set up for quick testing. This is what I was wanting to do… be tested. I did not want to go into the hospital ER and take up a bed for someone really ill.

coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic
COVID-19 Test Kit

What Tent?

So, because I was not being sent to the quick test tent (and there was no guarantee I would even be tested, even in the ER), I made the decision to stay home.

I could sit up and breathe. The fever was gone with ibuprofen (before I saw they said not to take it, and now they say it is okay to take it; MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!). I thought, “what would I go there for?” They would take my temperature and tell me to go home, isolate and come back when I was near death. I decided to bypass sitting at the hospital, filled with infected people.

ER coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic

Staying Home

Instead, I took a nap.

When I lay down to sleep, I often meditate. Yesterday, I had an amazing vision and memory when I slowed my breathing and felt myself settle down.

I went to Kaua’i. Specifically, to Kapa’a on Kaua’i, Hawai’i.


When Zack and I went to Kaua’i and landed in Lahui, when we walked out of the airport, the humidity was similar to Florida, but the scent in the air was intoxicating! Flower scents permeated the area and I was sure the airport was piping the scent out like they do on Disney’s Main Street with the chocolate chip cookie scent.

But they do not. Every moment on Kaua’i smelled like heaven.

As I laid in my bed, meditating and heading towards sleep, I rode my way around the island, seeing what I saw during out week there.

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Nā Pali Coast sunset. (I took all these Kaua;i photos)

And who could forget the ubiquitous fowl around the island!

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I took this photo.

When I woke up, I felt much better.

I am so glad I did not go to the hospital.

Killing Us Off: The “Boomer Remover”

I was born March 29, 1961. A Baby Boomer was born between 1946-1964. That would be me.

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From on December 10, 2019:

By 2030, All Baby Boomers Will Be Age 65 or Older: 2020 Census Will Help Policymakers Prepare for the Incoming Wave of Aging Boomers

“Older adults are projected to outnumber children under age 18 for the first time in U.S. history by 2034, according to Census Bureau projections.

‘The mismatch between old and young will have implications across the coming years,’ said Dr. Grace Whiting, president and CEO of the National Alliance of Caregivers.

‘We aren’t having enough children to take care of us in our old age,’ she said. ‘Look at my family: my in-law was one of six children, my husband and I were one of two, and we don’t have kids. Extrapolate that out, and that’s what’s happening nationwide.'”

Boomer Remover


So, the younger generations have taken to calling the Coronavirus the ‘Boomer Remover,’ helping resolve the issues of taking care of all those elderly people that are stepping into old age, 10,000 a day.

“Boomer Remover has since become a battleground for generational warfare on social media, frequently couched as a natural consequence of how the Baby Boomer generation has treated the planet or approached politics—either an unfortunate outgrowth of the more conservative brand of politics suggested by Baby Boomer voting demographics relative to Millennials and Generation Z, or a deserved comeuppance for damage done to the environment and/or social fabric. In response, Boomers and Boomer defenders have used the trending term to decry young people’s alleged dependency.”

While I find it sad the term “Boomer Remover” is being used as we die off from COVID-19, the generations after us will definitely have far less of a burden dealing with us old folks.

coronavirus COVID-19 Pandemic
The difference in the generations.

“The 2030 Problem”

Even the National Institutes of Health calls it the “2030 Problem.” This study begins:

“A series of analyses are used to consider the challenges related to caring for elders in the year 2030: measures of macroeconomic burden are developed and analyzed, the literatures on trends in disability, payment approaches for long-term care, healthy aging, and cultural views of aging are analyzed and synthesized, and simulations of future income and assets patterns of the Baby Boom generation are developed.”

Of course the younger generation sees us as a “burden” (this study uses this word often) if even the government does!

I have had my own YouCanGoHereYouCanGoThere with my kids as we talked about my older years. While they will miss me terribly, I am glad I will not be a burden on them as I become even more disabled and ill.

The last thing I want is to be is a burden.

coronavirus COVID-19 Pandemic

Feeling Better

Temperature: 97.3

I have a sore throat, but nothing much else, so not worried so much today. My breathing is good with my asthma meds, no difficulty breathing. Yay!

I slept a lot yesterday and last night. I am “watching” Friends while I sleep and that helps calm me.

I do listen to MSNBC off and on during the day. Listening to Morning Joe at the moment. It is crazy we don’t have tests. I know everyone knows that.

I saw pics of Clearwater Beach yesterday and thought I was going to be sick.

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Clearwater Beach, Florida on March 17, 2020

What are these people thinking? Clearly they are not. Compared to my cleaning my medications, they seem to be asking for illness.

Just horrible.