My hypomania is fading and I am quite cranky about it.
I’ve been gloriously productive the last three weeks and now to have this needing-a-nap bullshit again is pissing me off.
My clock face is still glowing some, but nothing like the 3-D it was giving me last week. The blue color is almost flat.
My Color Draining
For most of my life, I’ve been able to detect my mood just by looking at my imaginary mental health watch. I could look down at my wrist and gauge where I was at any moment. Good? Depressed? How depressed? (As if I could measure the depth by the minute hands on the face.) I have not thought about my mood watch in ages… until the clock on my bookcase became that touchstone.
Just a few days ago, I wrote about my digital clock glowing a 3-D azure blue, it having once been red. Today, the numbers are not dancing as much and the blue is less glowy. I am watching my mood’s colors dribble down the drain.
And In Comes the Flatness
Like the clock face, I am becoming flat.
I’m still early in losing the hypomania, but I can already feel the pressure on my mood. It’s slight still, but it is most certainly there.
I’m crying knowing what is coming.
The hallucinations have all gone. Nothing.
No random scents.
No ants crawling on me.
No seeing things.
Would I rather have the bugs crawling on me and around the room? Probably not, but you see, there is a trade-off. I would take the bugs if I get the great energy and wonderful productivity.
Now, I have neither.
Too Short and Very Sweet
This episode was very short, but so wonderful, even if for only three weeks. Now I am left with the memory of that time and it, too, will fade. My words here in the blog will be the way I can recall where I was and when. If I had not written them down, they would have been erased by my brain within a few more days.
I’m so glad I did not agree to the Risperdal. I would be headed to a major depression at this point. I’m hoping to avoid that, but know it is always a risk and that I have very little control over the depths into which I will fall.
My Status Quo: Low Level Depression
I will most likely fall back into my baseline which is a low-level depression. Not terrible despair. No suicidal ideations. No inability to move or think. Just a place where I exist without fantastic joyous feelings. I feel love for people, family, kids, grandkids, but it isn’t an overflowing power I feel when I am not in my everyday skin.
That makes me sad.
We’ll see how much I continue writing. It was so nice writing a lot those few days.
Why isn’t there a pill to keep me in hypomania?