My (Confused) Altar

In the Initiation class, we were encouraged to make an altar that corresponds to a 4-sided wheel with a center. Each side represents an element: Fire, Wind, Earth and Water. The center asks the question, “How do I connect to Spirit?”

I have seen amazing altars in my days as a midwife, many families creating one for the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. I have had what one might consider an altar before, but I would not have called it that. I was just taking pretty things and putting them together on the shelf.

This is my first purposeful altar and I was feeling inadequate compared to other altars in the group and mentioned it to my youngest, Aimee (who is a healer-person) and she said to write about each object on my altar to see the importance of each object without judgment.

I did that and do see the importance of what I put there, but am confused why so many of the items have to do with sadness and mourning.

I have my wedding ring that I had to get cut off when Zack and I broke up on there.

I have items from my Disney days, times when I all but lived in the Disney parks on both coasts.

In rec.arts.disney.parks newsgroup, I was “gardenia” and the “Feral Mermaid.”
Florida and Disney World combined in this pin. Memories of my life.

I have several of my charms out on the altar.

Dragonfly: A transformational creature.
Lesbian symbol.
Manatee: Long how I have felt. Slow, but a water creature sometimes mistaken as a mermaid.
The visual representation of Om.

I have a weird voice inside asking if there is going to be any more transformation in my life besides dying. Am I lesbian without a lover? Can I see Om if I am not saying it? Why couldn’t I have been born a hummingbird instead of a manatee?

Back to the Wheel at the beginning of this post… I do not know how to answer these questions. I have spun around the wheel several times, tried to let my mind wander to an answer and it is silence. I seem to be in some spiritual never-world.

What happened?

4 thoughts on “My (Confused) Altar

  1. It seems purposeful to me of your path so far. I think you might leave a little open space for what is to come next. I am moving this next month to a new beginning and excited about it. Kisses

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  2. Lynda Gayle: Something in the future? That is part of my issue, for sure. I can hardly see past my birthday in March, and if I were honest, not much past the beginning of March when I have yet another surgery to remove more cancer. I am working on it, though. Thank you! I know you are right.

    Text me about where you are going!!! Sending you so much love, this Valentine’s Day. And every day.

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