And I am confused about how to feel! Isn’t that weird?
On the one hand, I have a baseline. And we know I am a hypochondriac, aka Somatic Symptom Disordered.
On the other, I was hoping it was positive so I could have antibodies and not get sick again. It would have been wonderful to have gone through it as if I was dipping my toe into the brook instead of being thrown into the ocean like most who get it experience the disease.
But, the takeaway, and I am still formulating it, is that now that I know I am negative, the goal is to stay that way. To isolate even more. A friend from work made me a face mask and I will wear it religiously out of the room, along with gloves (which are hard to come by as we know).
I am also embarrassed.
Terribly so. I really thought I was on death’s door. And here I am a week later feeling fantastic. Can I stay alive without freaking out about every symptom I have? Can I stop taking my temperature obsessively? Can I just deal with my co-morbidities and leave it at that?
I need to see my psychiatrist and talk to my therapist as soon as possible. I was having anxiety issues before, now they are exacerbated 1000-fold.
I’m sorry I worried you all. Crying wolf on accident is embarrassing. I am sorry.
Navelgazing Writer 
You’re still here. That’s what matters
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There is no need to apologize, I am elated you didn’t have it! And I complete understand your reaction. I have thought I had early symptoms at least four times so far. I also live with anxiety every day. I’ve had multiple tests over my adult years because of what ended up being somatic symptoms: a cardiac workup because I thought my heart would stop (benign PVC’s), an MRI because of headaches I assumed were from a tumor (combination tension/migraines), an episode of mastitis at 50 years old I was panicked was inflammatory BC (which probably happened because of a bra), I drove 7 hours to an IBC center to have evaluated! Ugh, it fucking sucks!
As an aside, I’ve been following your writing almost 10 years, Barb. I’ve been faithfully reading since you moved away from NGM days, too. Just know I’m thinking of you and am here to stay.❤️
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Wow! First of all, thank you for following me. 🙂
Second, thanks for hanging around a crazy woman. *laughing sorta* It feels good to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you more than I can say.
Stay in touch, please!
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