It had been 30 years since I’d been in a relationship with a cis male until last year when my cub (who is 20 years younger than I am) and I began a cyber-relationship. He and I are in a BDSM relationship, my being Domme and he, my submissive.
I am an awesome Domme after 25 years as a submissive. I am able to dig deeply into a submissive’s mind and use the information to my Domme-ly benefit. I am also a Domme at my job, having no problem holding my role easily.
And now, my cublet and I are in a deep rift in the relationship, something I will write about another day, but one we seem to have committed to working on together.
We both had a really hard day yesterday, lots of tears, lots of texts and emails back and forth, some of which continued through the night on my end.
Today, I could not stop crying despite both of us pledging love and working together last night and then sweet words in text this morning. I was a fucking mess. I couldn’t breathe, my heart hurt, I was really having a hard time.
From early morning, I wanted reassurance that everything was okay between us, but I fought hard not to text him at work. I lasted until 1pm, then asked, “Do you still love me?”
After we talked on the phone and exchanged love-confirming texts, I sat back and looked at my feelings and behaviors. I was fucking disgusted with myself.
I am demonstrating total female socialization behaviors and being with a cisman somehow magically transformed me into a whimpering, begging, insecure, needy and, if I do say so, disgusting girl (definitely not a woman) needing validation from a MAN! From a man 20 years my junior, no less! Where the holy fuck was she hiding that she would smell a cisman’s sweat (even over the wires) and poof recreate the horrid female I thought I’d left behind after 35 years of therapy?
I am hoping that with the recognition, I will chill out and re-find my balance as a grown woman.
I am, however, looking for the hole that unevolved being crawled out of so I can shove her back in and seal up the lid.
Good lord, brainwashing sure does stick around.