It’s bittersweet even saying it.
I miss being awake almost all day (or a couple of days at a time). On Halloween, I slept 19 hours. As I have written, that isn’t the first time I have been asleep more than awake. It’s not only annoying me no end, but it is severely limiting my being able to work.
Even when I am awake, my brain is not functioning. I have no memory. Thoughts jump around until they are in a jumble in the center of the room. I am still struggling with the fucking homophones (week/weak, right/write, breech/breach, etc.) spilling out of my fingers as I type. Annoying!
Until this manic episode, I was able to tell a depression was coming because of the hallucinations I almost always have turning ominous. I’d mentioned to my Psychiatrist several times about the hallucinations’ slow transitions from pleasant to less pleasant, but I felt fine! (emphatic “fine!”) Now I know it was because I was shimmying UP instead of sliding down. 1998 had been my last manic episode and even that was only my second, so seeing this one coming was virtually impossible.
I have been concerned about depression setting in for awhile and talked about it at therapy today. I remember when I told the Psych my concerns a couple of weeks ago, he said that anything after where I had been is going to feel like depression.
I am really good after 38+ years with diagnosed mental illness, at being able to see my depression setting in. Or I thought so, anyway.
Being able to write is a litmus test for me; if I can write, I’m not in a catatonic depression. I can still write, so that’s good. Even if it is a scrambled mess.
So the Manic Episode officially (by my designation) began on or around September 1st and I declare it officially over on October 31, 2016. 61 days of Mania… the first 19 days lifting off; the last 18 the beginning of the end. 24 days of really distressing, trying to keep myself out of the hospital, bullshit. Give or take a few herky-jerky days on each end thrown in for good measure.
I miss the mania in several ways, mostly the being awake so much and the incredible productivity. I do not miss spending money I did not have and that I have zero to show for what I spent and the gigantic hole I am now in financially. No, that I could do without.
I keep being reminded that the mania came at a price (not just financial). I really did think I was losing my mind in the midst of it all. I am so thankful I am aware of when I need help.
I am finally finishing this 5 days after beginning. I have slept so much I can hardly do anything, including work.
The sleeping is out of control.
I just got back from the Psych… next up.